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Before I tell you how to be the best best man, here’s a quick story about one of the worst.
A female friend of mine was at a wedding recently where the emcee asked everyone under the age of 30 to stand up. He then said sit down if you’re in a couple. And finally, sit down if you’re a man. Left standing were five single women in their 20s, one of them my friend, suddenly on display for a couple hundred eyeballs.
The emcee laughed and said: “Now seems like a good time to introduce our single best man. Greg, see anything you like?” My friend says she all but blacked out. “It was like a livestock auction.”
In a rare plus for society, she says the whole spectacle got crickets. So that’s good. But the larger point here is that the best man should never subtract from the big day — and especially not in a lunge for personal gain. That doesn’t mean the best man should behave like an NPC. It just means his presence should be additive to the day’s core mission: two people, deeply in love, wanting everyone to have a good time.
If you’re here, chances are you’ve been asked to be someone’s best man. Good on ya! That’s a great honor, and done right, it could be a lot of fun. (If you’re a fiancé looking for a guide on how your own best man can do it right, glad you’re here, too.) But what does it even mean to do it “right”? Don’t worry, I’ll be your best man. I’ve got you covered.
The Basics
For starters, a quick rundown on best man etiquette and expectations as it stands in the 2020s. Best men are typically:
- The brother or best friend of the groom
- Just one person, though sometimes a groom may pick multiple people
- Given the role at least six months ahead of the wedding day and often earlier (engagement windows have stretched to 15 months, on average)
- Expected to coordinate a bachelor party (if the groom’s having one), keep the groomsmen organized and (relatively) sharp, and perform a variety of wedding-day tasks
- Obliged, of course, to deliver a speech
Those are the tangibles. Nail those and you’re good. But we’re talking about the “best” best man here. I’d argue he has to go above and beyond all of that and nail the intangibles. The gap between a B+ best man and an A+ version lies in the ability to reconcile authority with energy. Can he establish a relationship with the bride’s family? Can he solve a micro-crisis (e.g., delivering a missing boutonniere like a World War I runner)? Can he rally the groomsmen when it matters most? And can he somehow make it all look easy, channeling the Italian art of sprezzatura?
The Bachelor Party
Months before the wedding day, the best man has bigger fish to fry — he’s gotta make the bachelor party group chat. This is a big deal, people. The rare thing Austin Butler and I don’t have in common: I’ve been to a few bachelor parties. And they typically kick off with 15 guys getting tossed into a group chat with a self-referential name and lots of “salute” emojis.
Ideally, this is the culmination of some thoughtful back-and-forth between the best man and the groom. Once you’re given the job, I think you’re free to start asking what he has in mind for his bachelor party. Here are some key questions:
- How many guys?
- What’s the budget? Are you going to eat some of the cost?
- Are we inviting the bride’s brothers-in-law? Any other phone numbers I need?
- Do you even want a bachelor party? If you’re on the fence, would you want a version of one in our home city? (This is becoming more popular as all-in wedding costs have soared.)
You could start by helping him figure out the vibe. Assuming he wants to travel, I’ve divided the tried and true into the following categories, with some nominations for each. Obviously, there’s some crossover:
- Chill: beach house, cabin upstate, lake life, etc.
- Golf: Scottsdale, The Carolinas, Wisconsin
- Sporty: Chicago, college football towns, F1 cities
- Sceney: Miami, New York, Los Angeles
- Loosey-goosey: Nashville, Vegas, NOLA, Austin
- Outdoors: Jackson, Asheville, Bend, ski towns
- International: Montreal, CDMX, London, Dublin
Considering the groom is either your brother or best friend, you’re probably used to shooting it straight with him, especially when your personal PTO and dollars are on the line. But the best best man plays this role more like a seasoned Hand of the King from Game of Thrones. Sit back and steer. Give him options. Don’t blink when he makes a decision. Just be supportive. One day, the shoe will be on the other foot (or perhaps it already was), and you’ll really appreciate his unconditional encouragement.
My single caveat to this: If the groom is having a destination wedding and also wants to have a destination bachelor party, you might want to level with him: We’re asking a lot here. Just something for him to chew on.
There are different ways to go about recruiting the party. You could divide and conquer, texting people individually to compel a quick RSVP. (People in the throes of that three-year wedding gauntlet have lots of weekends already spoken for.) Or you could lump everyone in the group chat, ask for thumbs-up reactions and see where the chips fall. My concern with the latter is I’ve known many a group-chat lurker — some decide the text chain seems like a good time and stick around with vague platitudes of “Yeah, I’m gonna see if I can make it.” I say force answers ASAP and boot them. Knowing your final number is crucial when booking Airbnbs, dinners and group events.
The itinerary, by the way, is probably the modern best man’s biggest assignment short of the wedding-day speech. Keep in mind that the groom is up to his ears planning his wedding, so this is a chance for you to grant him a reprieve from all that admin. How should you structure the weekend? I’d orient it around a Thursday-Sunday (travel), or a Friday-Sunday (local). Here are some “events” to anchor that stretch:
- Pizza pregame night: Self-explanatory. Keeps costs down and ideal for building camaraderie.
- Flagship activity: Only criteria is that it’s memorable (and hopefully not too pricey). Some options I’ve enjoyed: tailgate into an iconic sports match, mini Olympics of backyard games, brewery or distillery tour, go-karting, riverboat cruise.
- The big dinner: Steak and seafood. Great opportunity to give a toast or open the floor to stories.
- Hitting the town: You know what to do. Just keep it classy.
- A hangover sweat: Exercise is the best way to exorcise the demons. It also gets everybody out of the Airbnb (which is trending rancid/uninspiring at this point in the trip). Think: hike, pickleball, jog, cold plunge, etc.
Finally, some thoughts on bachelor party etiquette. As the captain of this particular pirate ship, it’s your job to chart the path of most fun and least regret while staying on top of all necessary logistics. These “rules” should help:
- Make sure there are enough beds in the Airbnb. I think the worst you can offer guys is two to a queen. (Personally, I’d take an air mattress over that.)
- People need to eat in the middle of the day. Lunch is an all-too-common casualty during these weekends.
- Chopping it up with bachelorette parties and other groups is fine and fun. You don’t have to be monks.
- But remember this isn’t a 2005 buddy comedy. Set boundaries and steer clear of compromising situations. “Last night of freedom” is a Hollywood construct.
- Don’t razz people who don’t drink.
- Make sure whatever games you play don’t get too competitive. Fights and/or injuries can ruin a trip.
- Find ways to take the “odd man out” under your wing. Maybe that’s a solo friend of the groom or the bride’s brother. You’re the glue guy here, and a simple gesture could mean a lot to him.
- Conspire with the groom to cover one big cost on the trip.
- Give people an estimate within a hundred dollars of the big costs (like lodging or events) upfront. That way they can factor it into their decision-making.
- Rally the troops out of the inevitable “I’ve got a video” YouTube black hole that’s liable to happen in the mornings, while people are showering, etc.
The Wedding Weekend
One of the biggest challenges of being a best man is finding enough separation from your looming big moment so you can be “on” for the happy couple’s many big moments.
Think about it: if a wedding weekend starts at, say, 6 p.m. on a Friday, you still have the rehearsal dinner, welcome drinks, Friday-night partying, morning activities, photoshoots, the ceremony, more photoshoots, cocktail hour, opening dances and a bit of food before you’re taking the mic. (Not to mention all the shuttles in-between that stuff.)
Standing in front of 100-plus people and pouring your heart out is daunting (77% of Americans agree), but if you’re a queasy stress ball the whole time, you’re going to miss the wedding — and what a shame because your appointment would suggest this man means a lot to you. As someone who has been in those exact tuxedo shoes, here’s my advice:
- Starting the first night, talk to as many people as possible. This familiarizes you with the wedding’s many players, which makes them less scary when you’re up there talking to them. It also reflects great on you. You’re one of the wedding’s “protagonists,” and they’ll leave the interaction feeling chuffed that you made some time for them.
- When you do talk to them, don’t mention the speech — or just play coy about it. Say stuff like “Yeah, I’m a little nervous, but it’s gonna be great.” Then change the subject. If you talk people’s ears off about how freaked out you are, it steals some of the spotlight from the weekend’s good vibes. It could even get back to the bride and groom and make them feel guilty or strange.
- Lean into the work. Which in this case just means being a hand-raiser. Does such-and-such bridesmaid still need a Dyson Airwrap from so-and-so? I’ll go get it. Do the hungover groomsmen need somewhere to eat lunch? I booked them a booth at a cool local diner. And so on. Then there are the basic tasks, like keeping the wedding bands handy and signing the marriage license as a witness.
- Stay in the present. This applies to all the above! People always give this advice to the bride and groom (who try their best but inevitably report their wedding felt like a total blur). But I think it’s actually possible for the best man. You have the best seat in the house to watch your brother or best friend marry the love of their life. Do everything you can to soak that moment in.
The Speech
If you scrolled down here the second this page loaded, I don’t blame you. The best man speech belongs on the boogeyman Mount Rushmore. But don’t worry — I’ve got you.
Here’s a testimonial you’ll just have to accept on faith: After I delivered my speech at my brother’s wedding, a high school principal sought me out and told me it was the second-best speech he’d ever heard. I was pretty drunk at this point, and I should’ve asked for more details instead of dapping him up (what did I need to do to earn gold?), but I guess I’d heard enough. Sixty-something school administrators have sat through a lot of speeches.
Obviously, I’m a professional writer. That was a huge advantage. But anyone can write a great best man speech if they start the process early enough and pay attention to these key ingredients:
- Storytelling
- Brevity
- Authenticity
Start your speech with a story. Not a joke — a story. The humor should flow naturally from whatever story you choose. Early laughter is overrated and often false. Remember, what you really want is people’s attention.
What sort of story? It should go without saying that the story shouldn’t cast the groom in a bad light, reference one of his exes or bad-mouth either the groom or bride’s family in any way. I’d be careful with the college years (makes it sound like your relationship was one-dimensional and long ago) and wary of referencing expensive trips where you bonded (saying you’ve been to seven countries together sounds cool in your head, but the flex is unnecessary).
I’d err on the side of something extremely simple. A memory or moment that can be extrapolated into a larger conversation. What about something that he once did is worth sharing? What about it was a little funny? What did the whole thing convey about his character?
Wedding days are one of the few times society likes the idea that people don’t change. We want to think: Oh, you’ve known him since sixth grade, and of course he was this way then — and look, all these years later, him being that way is why he’s such a perfect fit for our so-and-so.
Find the right story. Tell it briefly. Then it’s time for the bridge: Start saying heartfelt things about the groom. Keep that brief, too. And the final key to landing this plane is talking about the bride. It’s an almost-unthinkable faux pas to conclude a speech without mentioning whomever the groom is marrying. In an ideal world, you’re channeling a little extra emotion into this part because the audience loves the idea that you think this union is a really good idea. Read out loud, the final speech should clock somewhere between three and five minutes.
In case this isn’t helping at all and you’re more confused than ever, I’ve taken the liberty of answering some FAQs:
Can’t I just wing the speech? Why should I overthink this?
If this is a legitimate instinct of yours, I’m going to assume you have a track record of standing in front of crowds and working magic off the dome. In that case, do you. I still think it’s worth running through some of your intended material ahead of time (try it on your partner, maybe?) because it’s not your day. If, however, you have the same lizard-brain neuroses as me, keep reading…
How do I find the right story?
Start with zero tech. Go for a walk or sit down with paper and a pen for 30 minutes and think about your relationship with this guy. Where did it all start? Did you ever live together? Have you ever had any big fights? What’s something weird he does? What’s something he does that you find admirable? Crucially, why are you still friends? And if you’re brothers, why are you still on such good terms? (A lot of brothers aren’t.)
How do I find the right things to say?
Imagine you wake up tomorrow and he’s gone. Just like that. What would that feel like? What would you miss the most about him? Let the emotions bubble up to the surface. “Negative visualization” is a classic contemplation tool used by Stoics. Again, the speech should be brief, and you don’t need Pixar blubbers from the audience (or yourself). But exercises like this should help you come up with a few choice things to say about his character.
What if I source help?
I recognize that “interviewing” friends or family of the groom can be an effective way to crowdsource ideas, especially if you’re in a rut. But it’s not very badass, right? Plus, it could create stress for people who technically aren’t on the hook for this task. I say go off in your corner and figure this one out like a man.
Can I just use AI?
Don’t. Read this and you’ll know why. It will generate something, but that thing will be hollow and vanilla and recognizable as AI to anyone with ears. Maybe you’re thinking, yeah, but I’ll edit it. Well, if you’re skilled enough to edit the copy, why not just write it to start with?
What if I truly don’t know the bride that well?
That can happen, I get it. This is a better area for talking to a sister or maybe one of her friends (though delicately). I at least know you have a rough sketch of how she makes the groom happy, and that’s all that matters. They love each other. They make each other happy. Say some thoughtful platitudes and coast straight to the toast.
Once you’ve written a great best man speech, you still have to perform it, either by reciting or reading. When it was my turn, I sort of split the middle — I knew the lines by heart, but I also took intermittent glances down at a piece of paper (always paper; the phone looks tacky!) as a fail-safe. The sheet had built-in bolds and ellipses to provide points of emphasis and pauses. Sort of like Michael Barbaro’s script for The Daily.
I’ll be honest: Ahead of the speech, I had a few drinks. Assuming you drink alcohol and you know the type and amount you can handle, I say go for it. It vanquished half the nerves for me in mere minutes. (I’m not going to advise that for your next job interview, but let’s be real about what this is.) Just make sure you eat some food and slow down a bit after the speech. You’re going to be hopped up on adrenaline and feeling light as a feather with the monkey off your back, but there’s still a long night ahead of you.
What’s left? Not much. Check in with the groom as much as you can. Make yourself available for the big photo ops. Do crazy stuff on the dance floor with the groomsmen (this is where they turn from garden gnomes into gods). I’ve never known a best man to coordinate the shuttles to the after-party or anything of that ilk, so guess what: You made it. You’re off the clock. Are you the best best man ever? That’s a high bar. There are a lot of guys getting married out here. If someone tells you you’re the second best, take it.
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