Welcome to The Groom’s Guide, our expert-led handbook to help you navigate the proposal, the wedding and everything in between. Find all the stories here.
How much money should you spend on a wedding gift? It seems like a simple question, but it recently caused a rift in our office. The rule, as I’ve always known it, is simple: Cover the cost of your plate. When I told this to my colleagues, they immediately poked holes in what I thought was a time-tested wedding statute. Some told me I was stuck in the past.
It got us thinking, how many other wedding “rules” do we continue to accept as fact even though they no longer make sense? I sat down with two of the aforementioned hole-poking coworkers and put together a list of debates that inevitably crop up when a wedding comes around. Then, we called in a panel of experts to settle them once and for all.
Below, the answers you’ve been seeking for some of the most common wedding-etiquette questions. Whether you’re a harried couple in the midst of planning, the future in-laws hoping for clarity on who’s footing the bill or a guest with a plus-one you’re hoping to fill, read on. — Lindsay Rogers
Gifting
1. Should the cost of my gift equal the cost of my plate?
“A wedding gift isn’t admission to the party — it’s a gesture of goodwill toward the couple as they begin their life together. Prioritize a thoughtful gift that will become part of the couple’s future that isn’t necessarily on the registry. If the couple is into, say, cooking, a classic cast-iron pan is a Southern go-to. It’s a useful and beautiful gift that can become a family heirloom, signifying your belief in a union that will endure for generations. Thoughtfulness carries more weight than math.” — David DiBenedetto, editor-in-chief of Garden & Gun and new offshoot G&G Weddings
“That’s an old guideline that creates unnecessary pressure. A wedding gift should reflect your relationship with the couple and what feels comfortable for you to give. Some of the most meaningful gifts are personal, practical or simply heartfelt.” — Beth Helmstetter, founder and creative director of Beth Helmstetter Events
2. Should I give more or less if I’m in the wedding party?
“Being in the wedding party already comes with time, travel and expense. Most couples understand that. Give what feels meaningful, but don’t feel compelled to stretch beyond your means. Showing up for the couple throughout the process is already part of the gift.” — DiBenedetto
3. Can I give a cheaper gift or none at all if it’s a destination wedding and I’m paying for lodging and travel?
“Traveling for a wedding is already a generous gesture. Flights, hotels and time away from home add up quickly, and most couples who are hosting a destination wedding consider your presence the most meaningful gift of all. Etiquette has never measured generosity by the price tag. A small, thoughtful gift or even a heartfelt note is perfectly appropriate if attending the celebration already required significant travel.” — Julian Leaver, founder of Julian Leaver Events
The Groom’s Guide: Expert Advice for the Proposal, Wedding and Everything in Between
You’ve (hopefully) only got one shot at this. Here’s how to nail it.4. Do I need to bring a gift for the engagement party?
“You don’t have to. An engagement party is a celebration of the announcement, not an obligation for guests to bring presents. That said, showing up with a good bottle of wine or a nice bottle of bourbon has never left a bad impression.” — DiBenedetto
“A gift is kind but not required. Engagement parties are primarily celebrations of the news itself, where your presence is a gift to the couple. But if you’d like to bring something, a small gesture is always welcome. Think a bottle of Champagne, a bouquet of flowers or something simple but sweet like a ring dish.” — Helmstetter
5. I’m attending someone’s second wedding. Am I on the hook for gifts?
“Yes, though the expectations are often a bit more relaxed. A second marriage is still a joyful milestone and deserves to be celebrated with generosity of spirit. That said, gifts for second weddings tend to be less formal, and couples might not have a traditional wedding registry. Many guests opt for something personal or experiential, such as a special bottle of wine for the couple to open on their anniversary or a piece of art from a local maker that feels meaningful. The intention is simply to celebrate the couple and the new chapter they’re beginning together.” — Leaver
Wedding Planning
6. Do I have to give a plus-one to a guest even if they’ve only been with their partner for a short time?
“In general, if a guest is in a committed relationship, even a relatively new one, it’s gracious to include their partner. Weddings are social occasions, and allowing someone to bring the person they’re dating can make the evening more comfortable and enjoyable for them. Of course, every wedding has practical limitations like guest counts, budget and venue capacity. But when possible, extending that courtesy is often appreciated.” — Leaver
7. Should I give someone a plus-one if they don’t know anyone else at the wedding?
“Yes, that’s often a very kind thing to do. If a guest will be attending without knowing many other people, a plus-one can make the experience far more enjoyable. Good hosting is about anticipating how your guests will feel in the room. Offering a plus-one in that situation helps ensure they feel relaxed and included rather than isolated.” — Leaver
8. Is the bride’s family responsible for paying for the wedding?
“Traditionally, the bride’s family hosted the wedding. Today, however, the financial structure of weddings can range far beyond conventional ways. Many couples contribute, families often share the costs and sometimes one family may choose to host certain events. The most important thing is that the arrangement feels comfortable and respectful for everyone involved. It’s less about rigid rules and more about thoughtful collaboration.” — Leaver
9. I’m having a child-free wedding and some of my guests are mad. What should I do?
“A child-free wedding is entirely reasonable, especially for formal evening celebrations or destination events. The key is communicating the decision kindly and clearly. Guests may have logistical challenges with childcare, and, understandably, some may not be able to attend. The best approach is to acknowledge that with grace. When the tone is warm and respectful, most people understand that these decisions are about the nature of the event rather than the children themselves.” — Leaver
10. How long is too long for the ceremony?
“Let’s be honest here: After seeing your partner walk down the aisle, most guests start thinking about getting to the reception and having fun. Once you cross the 30-minute mark, you’re testing people’s attention spans. There are exceptions for family, religious and cultural traditions that require more time, but generally speaking, the most memorable ceremonies tend to be focused and intentional. Guests appreciate a sense of momentum.” — DiBenedetto
11. Are traditions like the garter toss and bouquet toss too tacky or intimate?
“The bouquet toss and garter toss came out of a very communal idea of weddings, when the whole town showed up and a little playfulness was part of the night. These days, couples are editing those rituals the same way they’re editing everything else, keeping what feels authentic and letting the rest fade away. Ask yourself if a late-night whiskey toast might be more meaningful and memorable than a garter toss. The instinct is the same, to relish in the celebration, but the tone is a more modern and refined.” — DiBenedetto
“A bouquet toss or garter moment can be fun if it genuinely reflects the couple’s personality and they have the right audience for it. If all the wedding guests are married except a couple, it might not be fun for those single guests to be spotlighted. However, if there are lots of single guests and they’re the type to participate, these traditions could be fun to include. But many couples today are choosing traditions more selectively. Instead of recreating every ritual they’ve seen before, they’re asking what actually feels fun and meaningful to them and their guests.” — Helmstetter
12. Should I include significant others in pictures?
“It depends on the nature of the relationship and the context of the photos. For large extended family portraits, couples sometimes limit the images to immediate family or long-term partners. For more casual photos throughout the evening, including significant others is often a lovely gesture. Ultimately, wedding photographs are meant to capture the people who were part of the celebration. A thoughtful balance between formality and inclusivity usually works best.” — Leaver
13. I’m throwing a destination wedding in a different state. How do I get everyone on board? Does that change if it’s a different country?
“Guests are far more likely to embrace the journey when they’re given plenty of notice and thoughtful guidance on travel details, hotel suggestions and a clear sense of the weekend ahead. If the wedding is international, the same principle applies, just with a bit more runway. Passports, travel costs and time off work all require planning. The most gracious approach is to make it clear that guests are warmly invited but never pressured. A destination wedding should feel like an adventure people are excited to join, not an obligation that puts undue stress on their lives.” — Leaver
14. Should we collaborate on vows or should it be a surprise?
“Weddings are hyper-scripted events. Let your vows be a chance for originality and tangible emotions for both your partner and guests. But remember that a little coordination goes a long way. Agree on tone and length ahead of time, then let the words themselves be a surprise.” — DiBenedetto
“Both approaches can work beautifully. Some couples prefer to write vows together so the tone, length and emotion feel balanced. Others love the vulnerability and spontaneity of hearing their partner’s words for the first time during the ceremony. The key is simply setting a few shared guardrails beforehand so one person doesn’t arrive with a three-minute reflection while the other delivers a 20-minute monologue. However you approach it, the goal is the same: words that feel honest and personal.” — Helmstetter
15. Do I need to have a wedding party with groomsmen and bridesmaids?
“Not at all. A wedding party is a lovely way to honor close friendships, but it’s far from a requirement. Many couples today are choosing smaller groups, mixed-gender parties or no formal attendants at all. What matters most is the feeling of support around you. Whether that shows up as a traditional lineup at the altar or simply a circle of loved ones helping behind the scenes, the spirit is the same.” — Helmstetter
Guest Etiquette
16. How long should a speech be?
“If you’re wondering if your speech is too long, it is. Three minutes is about perfect. A good toast is like a well-told story — brief, warm and sincere. Thank the couple, share a memory, raise a glass and sit down before the room starts awkwardly folding their napkins and pushing utensils across the table.” — DiBenedetto
17. Can I make a toast if I wasn’t chosen to make a speech?
“In a word, no. It’s better to resist the urge even if you know you’ll leave them in tears or laughing fits. Weddings are carefully-choreographed productions, and the couple usually selects speakers ahead of time. If you weren’t asked, the most gracious move is to raise your glass privately with the couple later in the evening at the bar or as they visit each table. Sometimes the best expression of respect is knowing when not to take the microphone.” — DiBenedetto
18. Is my plus-one invitation transferable?
“No. Even if you just started dating the girl of your dreams who can light up a room and the dance floor. A plus-one is extended intentionally. The hosts have carefully planned seating, catering and guest balance. Treat that invitation as personal, not interchangeable. There will be more wedding invites in your future.” — DiBenedetto
“Typically, no. A plus-one invitation is extended with intention, often to ensure guests feel comfortable if they’re traveling or attending without many familiar faces. If plans change and you can no longer bring the person originally intended, it’s best to check with the couple or planner before inviting someone else.” — Helmstetter
19. Can I post pictures at the wedding before the bride or groom do?
“It depends on the couple. If they haven’t asked for an unplugged ceremony, it’s fairly common today for guests to share a few candid moments on social media, and some couples genuinely enjoy waking up the next morning and seeing the celebration through their guests’ eyes. That said, many couples now prefer to share the first images themselves. If the couple or planner has asked guests to keep phones away or hold off on posting, that request should always be honored. When in doubt, the most gracious approach is to stay present in the moment and let the couple lead how their day is shared.” — Helmstetter
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