How to Shake a Woman's Hand

The question of how men should shake a woman’s hand is now in the news. Below, 18 devilishly complicated scenarios that may present themselves — and how to handle them. A selection of questions to ask yourself when the situation next arises:

1. Does she not have hands?

2. Are her hands currently leading an orchestra in a powerful rendition of Eroica?

3. Are her hands covered in peanut butter?

4. Is she using one hand to pet a bear, while the other hand administers a tranquilizer?

5. Is she sitting on her hands, to keep from scratching?

6. Is she currently asleep?

7. Is she currently giving birth to your child and possibly reluctant to agree to your invitation to “just check in with a quick squeeze”?

8. Is she not only a hand model, but the sort of hand model who wears white cotton gloves and has insured her hands for $1 million each?

9. Are her hands actually dinosaur hands?

10. Are her hands actually glittery, slithery dinosaur hands?

11. Are you midway through your first day of microdosing and wondering if you maybe took to much?

12. Is she giving your boss a lap dance?

13. Is it the end of a date that you’ve just decided isn’t going anywhere?

14. Is it the end of an interview and you just realized your hands are covered in peanut butter?

15. Has she said, “I orgasm through my palms”?

16. Is she madly driving an $80,000 Jaguar F-Type through the Scottish Highlands while you, doubled over from a gunshot wound to the abdomen, search the nightsky for a sign of Her Majesty’s helicopter to ferry you to safety?

17. Has she said, “Please don’t shake my hands, I have that same condition Samuel L. Jackson had in Unbreakable”?

18. Are you Mike Pence?

In all of these scenarios, please do not shake her hand.

In case of scenario #13, please instead offer a European double-cheek kiss, which will confuse and impress her, without the unnecessary formalities of a handshake.

Otherwise, you’re good to go. Unsure how to do it? What they like best: firm pressure, two pumps, nod of mutual respect and then let go and turn your eyes to the sunset.