You Can Now Hire Award-Winning Screenwriters to Script Your Vows

“Webster’s Dictionary defines love as …”

Oof.

Expect to hear a lot of those painful recitals soon enough, as we’re now entering peak wedding season … a time of year where you’ll inevitably be tasked with making a toast, giving a best man’s speech or even helping a friend with vows.

We say, get some professional help. As in, call on Tinseltown Toasts, a collective of award-winning Hollywood screenwriters who will script your big occasion moment in the spotlight.

As their site notes, “Perfect movie moments don’t just appear out of thin air. They happen because storytelling-obsessed screenwriters lose sleep over building narrative architectures that develop meaningful dramatic, comedic and emotional resonance.”

So they’ll help you deliver something more charming like this … and less off-the-cuff like this.1

These are customized toasts, vows and speeches courtesy of a team of writers who’ve written for Sony, WBTV, ABC, CBS, USA, FOX, NBC, Showtime and HBO. They started Tinseltown on the side when, at a group dinner, they realized all of their friends had asked them write toasts at some recent point.

“When people know you’re good with words, they ask for a lot of wordsmithing help,” says our Tinseltown source (who will remain anonymous, but we know him and have worked with him before). “And ghostwriting favors become more complex as time goes on, but they’re still almost always romantic in nature.”

Two of the writers at TT are also produced playwrights and, overall, the team has earned two Golden Globe nominations, a WGA Award nomination and a GLAAD nomination, all for their TV work.

“That’s an important distinction,” says our source. “When you are hired on a TV staff, your job is twofold: first, to write and break story for the show, and second, to mimic the show creator’s voice. It’s great to have someone write you a killer speech, but if it doesn’t sound like it came from you, then you probably won’t be as comfortable delivering it.”

How it works: Everything’s written from scratch. You’ll confer via a 30-45 minute call with the Tinseltown Toasts team, where you’ll be peppered with questions about your relationship and the TT people will look out for “unconscious themes or patterns in the way clients speak about the person they are honoring.” Over the next month they’ll send you drafts; revisions are welcomed and encouraged (unlike notes from a TV exec).

If you’re in a rush, they can hurry up the process (with an extra charge). And you’re not pigeonholed into just wedding material; the writers here have also worked on retirement speeches, commencement addresses, a “counter roast” for a celebrity birthday, and even a couple of eulogies. They’ll even write a breakup or job quitting email for you, if needed.

One area’s off-limits, however. Per our source:.“I think it’s safe to say we’re going to steer clear of college application essays.”