Take It From a Woman: How to Talk to Women About Music

As someone who loves music more than it’s really possible to accurately articulate, I’ve spent a good chunk of my life chatting with men about my favorite (and least favorite) bands, and I’ve gotta say: fellas, there’s room for improvement. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had men make assumptions about me based on my taste in music, been talked down to about the subject I care about so deeply or cringed at the sexist language used to describe female artists. And it’s a shame, because nothing is more attractive to me than a shared passion. As Nick Hornby once wrote, “Books, records, films — these things matter.” I have, admittedly, occasionally swiped left on guys on dating apps solely based on what their linked Spotify account shows me.

In other words, being able to talk to women about the music you love and do it in a way that doesn’t offend her is extremely important. When done well, it can be an incredibly effective way to get closer to someone. (Who hasn’t, at one point or another, gotten swept off their feet by a great song?) With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of dos and don’ts when talking to women about music.

DON’T quiz her or assume you know more than she does

Any woman who has spent a good amount of time attending shows or just generally being involved in the music industry has at one time or another heard the dreaded, “Oh, you like [insert band here]? Name three of their songs.” This is extremely condescending. Even if you don’t feel compelled to test her knowledge (which, again, you shouldn’t), you might still be rubbing her the wrong way by assuming you know more than she does about certain artists. (I will never forget the time a man expressed shock when I mentioned a Ramones song to him, despite him being fully aware that I was an editor at a music publication at the time.) Don’t mansplain, don’t talk down to her, and be open to the fact that she may know more than you do.

DO be a fan of at least a few female artists

If every single record you own was made by a man, that’s going to send up some red flags to me. There are and have always been a truly countless number of important, influential, deeply talented women making music, and if not a single one of them has managed to wind up on your radar or strike a chord with you, you should take a step back and ask yourself why. I want someone who can talk to me about Phoebe Bridgers because they genuinely love her music, not because they feel obligated to.

It’s Time to Retire the Term “Dad Rock”

As a woman who has seen Wilco more times than I can count, I’ve got an idea: let’s dump the meaningless phrase

DON’T assume she only likes Taylor Swift or other Top 40 pop

I’ve come across far too many dating app profiles where a guy writes some variation of “Don’t worry, I’ll let you listen to Taylor Swift in the car.” This is annoying for a few reasons. For one, it’s presumptuous. It’s like assuming all women love shopping or getting their nails done. But beyond that, it hinges on the belief that certain music is “for girls” and certain music isn’t. Maybe she’s really into what you’ve been referring to as “dad rock.” Let her tell you, don’t assume.

DO tell her how a particular song makes you feel

I love when people recommend songs or albums to me, but more importantly, I love when they tell me why those songs or records resonate with them. It’s a great way to bond with someone, and it gives her a sense of not only what you’re into sonically, but what speaks to you as a person. Is there a song that always makes you cry? One that makes you feel like you can run through a brick wall? One that you consider to be the most romantic song of all time? Share that with her.

DON’T be an “I like everything but rap and country” guy

Everyone has certain styles of music that they gravitate to more than others, obviously. But to write off entire genres entirely is the easiest way to convey to someone that you don’t really care that much. If you truly love music, you can appreciate proficiency in all types of it. You don’t have to love the stuff coming out of Nashville today to know that no one could sing a cry-into-your-beer tearjerker like George Jones, and even if hip-hop isn’t your favorite genre, I’m sure you can at least tip your cap to the artistry of someone like Kendrick Lamar. Limiting yourself only makes you look close-minded.

DO make her a playlist

A few decades ago, it’d be a mix CD (or even a tape, if you go back far enough), but these days, a Spotify playlist is fine. Whatever format it takes, make her a mix. It’s an incredibly sweet gesture, and it’s so fun to listen to a song and try to figure out why it was chosen for you. (As Rob Gordon says in High Fidelity, “You’re using someone else’s poetry to express how you feel.”) The fact that you took the time to put it together, carefully selecting stuff you think she’ll like and stuff that reminds you of her, will go a long way.

DON’T be a snob

A little playful ribbing here and there is totally fine, but don’t shame her for her taste if she happens to love some stuff you’re not into. Recognize that art is subjective, and don’t yuck anyone’s yum.

DO know your history

It’s fine if you’re not a huge classic rock guy and prefer more contemporary stuff. Or maybe you’ve got a blind spot when it comes to jazz or outlaw country or Motown. Still, you should absolutely know the basics: Have a favorite Rolling Stones album. Understand how new wave, post-punk or ska evolved out of punk. Be able to quote a Dylan lyric or two. Maybe you don’t know that Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” is actually an Otis Redding cover, but you should at least be familiar with both of their catalogs.

DON’T be a poser

You don’t have to know everything about music to impress her. (In fact, she’ll probably like it if you let her teach you about some of her favorites.) But don’t pretend to know everything when you don’t. She can tell you’re faking, especially if it’s a genre or an artist she’s particularly passionate about. No one likes a poser, and asking questions about something you’re not super familiar with is a great ice-breaker.

DO know the importance of a well-timed needle drop

Music is a potent romantic aid, and nothing sets the mood quite like the perfect song playing at the perfect moment. (Do I remember specific kisses from otherwise inconsequential men in my life solely because of the songs that were playing when they happened? Yes. To this day, I can’t listen to the Joan Jett version of “Crimson and Clover” without thinking of a guy I made out with one time in college.) Understand the importance of a well-chosen song, and use it to your advantage.

DO use a concert as an excuse to lean over and talk into her ear, but don’t do it in the middle of a song

If you’re still in the early stages of getting to know someone, you might be a little hesitant to take her to a concert because it doesn’t really allow for a ton of conversation. You certainly wouldn’t want to do it as a first date, but going to a show together does afford you a great opportunity to lean over and put your face really close to hers: it’s loud in there, and you’ve gotta talk directly into her ear. It’s a small thing, but it’s also weirdly intimate. Just make sure you wait until a song is over before you do it. She’s trying to listen to the music!

DO figure out where your tastes align

Liking all of the same bands as the person you’re dating isn’t necessary (although, I admit, it does help), but you should be able to find some common ground somewhere. Maybe she prefers garage rock and you’re more of an Americana guy, but you’re both fans of MJ Lenderman. The musical landscape is vast, and I guarantee you’ll eventually be able to find something you two can agree on if you just ask. Maybe she’ll even be able to introduce you to a style or an artist you’d never considered listening to before.

DO understand that it’s okay if you can separate the art from the artist, but adhere to the rules of doing so

The extent to which we can allow ourselves to listen to music made by horrible people who have done or been accused of doing terrible things varies from person to person. It’s a tricky ethical dilemma, and it’s a bit of a slippery slope. We can all agree that it’s time to stop singing “Ignition (Remix)” at karaoke, but none of us have stopped listening to the Beatles because John Lennon admittedly hit women. Where exactly the line is will vary from person to person — hell, I still listen to A Christmas Gift for You, produced by convicted murderer Phil Spector, every holiday season — but there are two common-sense parameters that are easy to follow. The first is just an issue of sheer volume; we all listen to music made by bad people here and there (whether we know it or not), but if all your favorites are guys like R. Kelly, Diddy, Michael Jackson, Arcade Fire’s Win Butler and so on, we’ve got a problem. The second has to do with whether or not the artist in question still stands to personally profit from their music or use the power that comes along with it to exploit women. Lennon and Spector are dead, but streaming the work of someone like Diddy (or Butler, or Ryan Adams, or any number of bad men making good music) or even buying a ticket to a show they’re playing feels more like an endorsement of their behavior because your money is still going directly into their pockets.