Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini — the astrological sign known for its exceptional communication skills — but I love dirty talk. Not only does it turn me on, but I find it to be a necessary catalyst to achieve an orgasm. It also communicates to me that the men I’m having sex with aren’t afraid to be a little loud.
One search of “why are men quiet in bed” on Google, and you’ll find a flurry of results all attempting to solve this seemingly common question.
From Reddit threads to news articles, it appears people are concerned about the lack of noise their male partners make in bed. There are a few possible explanations for this conundrum. Some speculate that it has to do with some men not wanting to appear effeminate. One Reddit user explained that men are too preoccupied with trying not to finish too quickly. And others offer a very simple, innocuous answer: some men just aren’t that loud or vocal in general, and that extends to the bedroom.
Take It From a Woman: A Guide to One-Night Stand Etiquette
Don’t be someone’s hookup horror storyStill, noises communicate to your partner that you’re enjoying what’s going on. I’d be quite self-conscious with a strong, silent type in my bed. Moans and erotic talk not only ratchet up the heat, but assure me that what I’m doing is satisfactory.
Of course, as with all sexual acts, finding out what your partner is comfortable with is key. It’s normal to be hesitant about introducing certain words or phrases during intercourse. It’s also easy to get in your head: If I say this, will they perceive it as hot or weird? You also might feel a bit shy hearing your own voice, and even be unsure how to ease into dirty talk if you’re a novice.
It’s why I consulted two experts — John Eros, an audio erotica star for Sssh.com, the award-winning, premier destination for sex-positive, ethical porn made from a woman’s point of view, and Marla Renee Stewart, MA, CSE, award-winning sexologist and educator for Lovers — to find out everything you, a man, need to know about dirty talk etiquette (and how to become a pro at it).
Even if it’s your first time hooking up, asking someone what they like can go a long way, as long as you remember communication and consent are key.
John Eros: If anything, the first time is the most important time to involve dirty talk. Involving this type of talk is how to truly engage the imagination, which involves the most important part of sexuality — the brain. It helps establish right away to the other person that their enjoyment and arousal are your sole focus. As it’s the first time, you don’t know what they like or dislike at this stage, so you need to make sure it’s a conversation. Describing how you want to make them feel and what you want to do to them, while also asking them what they want and how they want to be touched, can help you stay within boundaries that are fun for all parties. You’ll not only learn about what they want, but it will also help make things easier to build on for the future.
Take note of your partner’s dirty talk styles. And their dislikes.
Marla Renee Stewart: Everyone has a dirty talk style and things that they like to hear. It’s important to understand what these are. It ranges from challenges to directions to being adored or even dirty talking about the relationship style. Finding out what they like to hear is key to helping you what kind of dirty talk to facilitate and make the magic happen. Always check in with your lover about what kind of dirty talk turns them off. It’s important to understand that your lover might not like the same kind of dirty talk as you, so knowing what turns them on and off can help avoid a mistake or interruption in your play. Dirty talk is very subjective, and what might be “weird” for one person may be completely amazing for another. Again, being diligent about having that conversation ahead of time can avoid any bedroom weirdness.
JE: The key is that communication is established long before dirty talk is involved during the act, so you know which topics to stay away from. This may mean being direct and asking what topics, scenarios or words are off-limits, triggering, demeaning or unappealing. Keep it safe and simple until your partner has made it clear what type of dirty talk topics they’d like you to explore with them. Remember, just because someone else enjoyed something doesn’t mean another person will like the same thing.
Dirty talk starts well before you get into bed.
JE: Foreplay is about setting the scene of what we want and want to give. Foreplay often is something that occurs throughout the day, not just in the bedroom. Cluing your partner in to what you enjoy hearing is something you can do throughout the day to help add an extra sense of eroticism, leading towards the act itself. Asking your partner what they might enjoy hearing more of can also help open up the conversation, allowing you to present them with the things you want to hear more of. For example: “What do you fantasize about me doing to you tonight?”
MRS: When you want to elevate your dirty talk, don’t just think of it as a bedroom exercise. Think of it as something that you could foster all day. Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom, so elevating your dirty talk with sexting can be a great way for you to practice the things you know your lover would want to hear. This could be through text or audio notes before you get to the bedroom and can enhance the build up to your play time.
If your partner isn’t super into dirty talk, but you are, try positive reinforcement and find a middle ground.
MRS: You always want to give positive reinforcement before you make a request. It could sound something like, “I really love hearing your voice when we have sex. During sex, I would love for you to give me direction and tell me what you want, so I can please you.” Using positive reinforcement helps open up the listener to hearing more of what you have to say.
JE: Communication about why they don’t enjoy dirty talk, while helping them understand why you do, is key. Their comfort is as important as your own, and it’s all about both of you having the same level of enjoyment. An easy way to approach dirty talk is to avoid viewing it as a separate aspect to sex itself. Instead, it can be something that naturally becomes involved in the act. When you’re both in the moment, simply whispering a question to your partner, such as “What are you imagining me doing to you?” or a simple “How does that feel for you?” can act as a little gateway to further exploration. Bonus little tip: referring to it as “bedroom talk” or “‘erotic talk” might help take some of the pressure away for your partner.
Ease into dirty talk with simple declarations and one- or short-word phrases.
JE: Start slowly and help build the anticipation with simple declarations like “I can’t wait to have you alone tonight with me,” “If you could do anything with me right now, what would you want to do?” or “Every minute of today, I’m going to be thinking about all the things I’m going to do to you tonight.” These phrases can help ease into it without feeling too explicit. Asking questions can help ease into dirty talk, and their responses can help build the confidence and also turn it into a two-way street of eroticism. You’ll feel more confident with stating more directly what you want to be done to you: “I really want to feel your mouth between my legs” or “I want to slide my fingers down your body so slowly, until you’re begging me to go faster.” In each example, nothing explicit. Start with seductive words that simply get the imagination going. Lots of praise and phrases that make your partner feel desired.
MRS: If you are not used to dirty talking, it’s important to start with one- or short-word phrases so you can get used to your own voice. Saying things like “Yes” or “I like that” can help you understand what you sound like and build your confidence in your dirty talk. Once you get used to your voice, practicing your intonation and pace with your phrases is key. Understanding arousal levels from low arousal to more arousal will help you understand that it doesn’t matter really what you’re saying, but how you say it, which makes all the difference.
Practice makes perfect.
MRS: Practice, practice, practice! Choosing a few key phrases that you’d like to use and practicing them when you are alone can be a great way to understand the cadence in your voice and how you want to sound. Once you find the sound that makes you feel good, practice that intonation, pace and vibrancy until it becomes natural. Repetition is the key to enhancing your dirty talk.
Read erotica and listen to music or erotica audio.
JE: Practice makes perfect. However, reading good erotica can help you hone the language you’re most comfortable with and develop it further. If you already listen to audio teases (like the ones on Sssh.com), simply reply to any commands or prompts as if the person is there with you, which can help build the experience when you’re with someone in person. Personally, something that helped me develop my own erotic manner — listening to Prince! I used to be fascinated with the sexual nature of Prince’s music, particularly the way sexual imagery could be woven with an almost poetic manner.
Don’t just say what you want to do, or how you feel, but share why.
JE: In the heat of the moment, great bedroom talk is all about showing your partner how much it turns you on to know you’re turning them on. The most powerful way to do this isn’t just by saying what you want to do, or how you feel, but by sharing why. Tapping into the why adds depth and detail, making everything more intense and erotic. Think of erotic talk as a way to build a full sensual scene in your partner’s mind.
Take your time and keep it simple.
JE: When you’re a little nervous about starting your journey into bedroom talk, it can be easy to rush things and often to speak quickly. Taking your time and keeping a focus on being as slow as possible will not only add to your confidence but will also add a more sensual touch. Speaking slowly and steadily — a patient, gentle whisper — helps you and your partner focus on the phrases and the scenario you’re painting with your words. It lets your partner know that all of your attention is on them, and that every word you say to them is just as arousing as the manner you touch them. Slow. Steady. Sensual.
MRS: Don’t put pressure on yourself to come up with a bunch of phrases. Stick to one to five phrases that you could use and practice those. Once you’ve mastered those in and out of the bedroom, then you can move on and memorize more. This is particularly important if you don’t have the gift of gab.
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