We’ve all heard about “the bare minimum” when it comes to dating. It’s about putting forth the lowest-effort attempts in a relationship: scheduling dates, texting and calling, actively listening. It doesn’t take much to be a good partner, and it shouldn’t, really, if you actually like the person you’re with.
These themes are being discussed again online via a new trend, one that involves women discussing how they “didn’t marry losers” and posting videos where they celebrate it.
“Me (a mom of three) heading to girls night on a random wednesday bc i didn’t marry a loser,” this video says, with many commenters sharing their support and desires for relationships like this in the future.
“POV: You didn’t marry a loser so your husband is always on work calls,” wrote one user in this video, showcasing her husband’s work ethic.
So Your Partner Says She Wants “Princess Treatment”?
Is opening the car door “princess treatment”? What about a woman not speaking to anyone else while out with her husband? A viral TikTok is sparking heated discussions.“Carrying a pizza box over my head to avoid my hair getting wet—this is your reminder to stop dating losers,” this woman wrote in this video, where her boyfriend is carrying a pizza box over her head.
They’re all great qualities to have in a partner, of course: someone supportive who splits household responsibilities, someone with a strong work ethic, someone willing to be creative to help preserve their partner’s hair. Yet, there’s something about this phrasing that feels increasingly off to me. Perhaps it’s the fact that dating or marrying someone who “isn’t a loser” isn’t all that noteworthy, especially when most of the behaviors exhibited are just qualities of a decent, respectful person who sees their partner as an equal.
It’s no secret that many women have encountered moments where they witness their male partners receive copious amounts of praise for simple acts, ones they often do during their own day-to-day but receive no praise for, like changing a diaper, flying with a child solo or vacuuming the floor. In some ways, these tie back to double standards in traditional gender roles, but for the most part, many of these actions — listed here and displayed in the videos above — are generally just kind and thoughtful ways men should interact with their partners. Again, it’s simply the bare minimum. We shouldn’t normalize the idea that having a supportive male partner is both grandiose and unlikely.
Behold another example: Do men deserve internet-wide recognition for simply being present and supportive while their wives are in labor? I’m not the internet police by any means, and I think it’s nice to show your partner you appreciate them. And if the best way for you to do that is via TikTok, who am I to say don’t? But she is the one giving birth! He is doing the bare minimum by simply being there to support his wife.
Many popular dating trends like this come back to the same theme: men doing the bare minimum. Some areas of social media have become a place of accountability for women when it comes to finding, dating, marrying and starting families with male partners — a place to air out grievances, experiences and concerns after going on dates or breaking up with men. It makes sense that one of the biggest takeaways to come out of these trends is the idea of “accepting the bare minimum.”
And in one way or another, these ideas regularly find ways to take on new forms and resurface on the internet. Last summer, I wrote about “princess treatment,” a phrase that went viral and is used to describe the level of appreciation women expect from their partners and how it exists on a spectrum with “the bare minimum.” In the fall, a Vogue article about why women think having a boyfriend is embarrassing went viral, and it showed a clear shift in women who were exhausted by relationships because men were ultimately adding no value to an already-fulfilling life. There have been trends highlighting the universal perception that women from all generations have about men’s poor behavior, if they’re willing to change and if women have ever lived to experience that change. There’s been virality when it comes to specific acts men have done, ones that might make you say “the bar is in hell,” or moments where men are more willing to be a better husband to their mothers than their wives. (No, you didn’t read that wrong!)
They say history repeats itself, and this is certainly the case for internet trends, too. It’s a positive step to see women with male partners who make them feel proud enough to post online — which, in some ways, shows quite a shift from trends that are so outwardly negative. But repeatedly highlighting “the bare minimum” for men will always be just that — the absolute bare minimum. And that shouldn’t be celebrated.
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