News & Opinion | December 27, 2022 2:15 pm

Nostradamus’ 2023 Predictions Are a Nightmare for the 466th Year

Luckily, he doesn't have the world ending again this year but that's the only real silver lining

Nostradamus
Nostradamus
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I stopped subscribing to Nostradamus’ bullshit when the world didn’t end in 2012. When he’s wrong, like he (fortunately) was then, he’s erroneously wrong. That said, when that asshole is right… he’s right on the money.

For the uninitiated, Michel de Nostredam — better known as Nostradamus — was a 16th century astrologer, physician, apothecary and, most notably, a seer. In 1555, he published a book — a collection of 942 poetic quatrains — famously predicting future events, the death of Henry II, the French Revolution, the rise of Adolf Hitler, the 9/11 attacks and the COVID-19 pandemic, chief among them, earning himself the appellation the “prophet of doom.”

It’s for this reason that, even though he’s been dead for half a millennia, Nostradamus remains a contentious figure — even by today’s standards. And — coupled with our penchant for masochism — why, come time to kick off the new year, we still take a gander at what old Nostradamus has in store for us.

So, with that said, thanks to a new surprising-to-no one report from the New York Post, I’m pleased to inform you that Nostradamus’ predictions for 2023 are brutally on brand (read: bleak). For context, the least disturbing thing this guy predicts is that we’ll see, “Celestial fire on the royal edificem” which could refer to a meteor hitting Buckingham Palace or, as Reda Wigle posits, the new Harry & Meghan Netflix series. Fingers crossed for the latter, though it’s unclear which the royal family would consider less catastrophic.

The next prediction points, ostensibly, to World War III.  “Seven months great war, people dead through evil,” lil Nos X wrote way back when; Though, the precariousness of things given current the conflict in Ukraine makes this one exponentially less laughable than the one about the royal edificem in flames.

“In terms of the ‘evil’ Nostradamus blames, hate-mongering, death-dealing, Libra Vladimir Putin comes pretty close to personifying it,” Wigle writes, adding, “The prophecy points to the conflict escalating into a full scale world war in the year to come, which, given the nuclear arsenals at stake could equate to apocalyptic levels of destruction.” Great.

And lastly, Nostradamus leaves us with this: “The antichrist very soon annihilates the three. Twenty-seven years his war will last. The unbelievers are dead, captive, exiled. With blood, human bodies, water and red hail covering the earth.”

Yes, the antichrist will purportedly be making their highly anticipated debut in the impending year. But we’re not going to get into that here, because not only am I not going to give Nos that kind of power over my 2023, I’m also of the belief that the world is full of antichrists in their own right (lookin’ at you Elon). The reality is this: if you throw enough shit at the wall, something is going to stick. Nostradamus threw 942, cryptic-as-hell poetic quatrains at the wall. We’ll let him have the Harry & Meghan special, but I’m choosing to draw the line at antichrist.