Wanting Sex After a Tough Breakup Is Totally Normal

If you ask a psychologist, your brain will be the primary organ to get you over a breakup. It’ll keep you busy with lots of thinking — about your compatibility as a couple and your individual attachment styles — in an attempt to rationalize your split. But when you’re really in the thick of the grief, sometimes all you want is a little relief from the incessant analysis. That’s when some of your other organs enter the chat, and often with a voracious appetite. Oh, you’re on your third tub of Ben and Jerry’s and fourth box of tissues crying over your ex? Your libido doesn’t care. It wants what it wants, even if your tear ducts haven’t caught up yet. And while some people disapprove of rebound sex for a number of factors, others find it’s the ultimate breakup balm.

Your sex drive doesn’t necessarily mourn on the same timeline as the rest of your body. A 31-year-old woman recently wrote to Slate’s sex advice column about why, at the end of her 15-year relationship, she feels both “bruised and very raw” and also “desperate to get railed.” Her masturbation sessions have lost their spark and she’s craving partnered play, but the idea of pursuing new sexual partners after such a long time out of the game has only overwhelmed and paralyzed her.

But it’s not just breakups that will ignite the fire in your loins when it’s least expected; the death of a partner can have the same effect, with even more of the stigma. The phenomenon is called widow’s fire, and it’s something 63% of the population in the UK has reported experiencing.

It’s Okay to Break Up if Your Kinks Aren’t Compatible

You’re allowed to prioritize your sexuality as much as any other part of yourself

Aside from putting sex on hold for a bit and investing that energy in other hobbies and relationships — also a valid pursuit! — Slate’s advice is to get back on the saddle, with one caveat: whether it’s a bad breakup or a death, it’s important to warn people about your status as a freshly single person on the heels of a traumatic loss so you don’t risk sending the wrong signals and hurting your new hook-up buddy.

Some potential ways to phrase it, per Slate: “Hey, I’m emotionally bruised but hoping for some action.” Or “There’s a 30% chance I’ll burst into tears, but I’d like to see what might happen between us.” There’s also “I think I want to have sex with you, but I’m not sure how I’ll feel once we’re taking our clothes off, or touching, or about to do it.”

“Whatever you’re feeling, communicate that to potential partners,” columnist Jessica Stoya said. “Some will be happy to meet you where you are.”

The ends of relationships will always be upsetting, and the only way to deal with them is to allow yourself to feel all your feelings, including your horniness. As long as the sex isn’t a purely avoidant attempt at keeping your sadness locked away, and as long as all sexual partners know the situation they’re getting into, there’s nothing wrong with a little rebound. I won’t often admit this, but occasionally the frat bros are right — sometimes the best way to get over someone really is to get under someone.