Health & Fitness | June 27, 2022 6:00 am

We’re Calling It. Caesar Salad Wraps Are the Best Beach Food.

You want a hot take? This cool wrap trumps all other beach food. Here's why.

A Caesar salad wrap floating in front of a coastline.
Just look at the thing!
Richard Griffin/Getty Images

I’ve seen enough! Caesar salad wraps are officially the best of the beach foods.

With insincere apologies to cheese fries, lobster rolls, ice cream cones, fish tacos and whatever the hell else people tend to buy within view of the ocean, the humble Caesar salad wrap should be the only option you entertain at the beach this summer.

Now — for those of you furiously drafting invites for me to come on your podcast and defend this take, I politely, proactively decline. I’ve been in this industry long enough A) to know a trap when I see one, and B) to no longer mind being called a “chickenshit little bitch!” for declining a guest appearance. (True story.)

Point being, this is the last I will speak on the Caesar salad wrap. The race is over and we can all go home. It’s the best beach food ever. Here’s why.

Portability

You could play catch with a Caesar salad wrap, if you really needed to. Everything is tight and light. The food’s tucked away in the wrap, the wrap’s wrapped up in the paper and the whole operation can hang out in a beach tote without bothering any of your essentials. Other packable sandwiches tend to get smushed on the journey to your afternoon’s small square of sand. (Peanut butter and jellies generally look like they’ve just gotten back from the war.) By contrast, the Caesar salad wrap doesn’t mind getting jostled a little bit. It’s low-maintenance and low-stakes, yet gets the job done just the same.

Easy on the tummy

The worst beach food I ever ate was a mystery blend of goat and rice from a cart along a coastline outside Havana. There were no bathrooms nearby. I ended up having to do something for the first and (god-willing) last time in my life. I’ll let you use your imagination on that one. To be clear: the food itself was delicious. But the setting and situation in which I ate it was precarious. A beach day is no time to experiment. Play it down the fairway. If a Caesar salad wrap doesn’t agree with your gastrointestinal tract, you’re a wet blanket. Sorry.

Not smelly

Caesar salad wraps aren’t smelly. They smell like nothing from far away. Maybe if you get your nose real close you’ll start to smell some of the dressing. It’s just greens, flour, croutons and a little sliced chicken, though I prefer mine without. Your lunch fumes won’t stink up your bag or waft into other beachgoers’ personal space. Always remember the golden rule: eat sandwiches near others that you would want eaten near you.

The real meal’s later

Another decree, while I’m here: the best photoshoots are post-beach day, pre-dinner photoshoots. You get to shower the sand off you, put on a nice shirt and pose in front of a vacation view, knowing you’re a few minutes away from ordering too many appetizers. That’s livin’, partner! Beach days, by their nature, involve spending the brunt of sunlight hours laying by the water; dusk is when the big dinner happens. That means you should save your appetite in the middle of the day. Some people overdo it (foot-long cold Italian sub), some don’t do enough (melon balls never go the distance). A Caesar salad wrap is the perfect stopgap solution. If you’re a ravenous fellow, consider packing two.

Vibes

As a general rule, people look more elegant/laidback/sexy/whatever while eating one-hand foods. Two-hand foods (ham and cheese sandwiches, burgers, baby-back ribs) have no business on a beach day. Neither do most fork foods. (You don’t want to have pack utensils, or use single-use plastics right by the ocean; that’s a little on the nose.) A Caesar salad wrap passes this vibe check with flying colors. It’s unlikely to cause stains, it’s seasonally-appropriate, it’s scarfable. What’s not to love? And most importantly, you will look cool and effortless while eating it — don’t be surprised if you’re quickly overwhelmed with amorous advances. I’ve found it works best to have them form an orderly line. They’ll all get your number eventually!