Which Dystopian Movie Hero Would Survive Longest in the Apocalypse?

Turns out the blind, legless and female will inherit the Earth

February 1, 2017 9:00 am

Been thinking about the end of times recently? Hollywood’s been playing that scenario out for years. Plague, zombies, vampires, more zombies, nuclear war, yet again zombies …

Hopefully, our collective worst fears won’t come to pass. But if they do, which apocalypse beater would outsurvive the rest?

From John Connor to Max Rockatansky to The Man, these are the best fictional doomsday preppers, ranked.

CHERRY DARLING (Planet Terror)
Strengths: Machine gun/grenade launcher for a leg.
Weaknesses: I don’t know … stairs?
Score: 9

Strengths: Rides a mean bike. Can avoid lasers.
Weaknesses: Memory issues. Kind of treats life like a cheap video game.
Score: 8

MAX ROCKATANSKY (Max Max, The Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome, Furiosa)
Strengths: Great driver. Stoic. Seems to get younger with age.
Weaknesses: Easily sidetracked: settler communities, Thunderdomes, lost children, etc. Hangs out with women far more badass than him (see: Tina Turner, Charlize Theron)
Score: 8

ASH WILLIAMS (Evil Dead I-II, Army of Darkness, Ash vs. Evil Dead)
Strengths: Seemingly impervious to pain. Chainsaw mastery is strong.
Weakness: Misogynistic nature is off-putting. Bad memory.
Score: 7

SNAKE PLISSKEN (Escape From New York, Escape From Los Angeles)
Strengths: Invulnerable. You thought he was dead? Nah. Also: surfing.
Weaknesses: Nicotine. Lacks vision. Also, when we last left Snake, he had purposely plunged the world into eternal darkness—this is bad.
Score: 7

ELI (The Book of Eli)
Strengths: Photographic memory. Ninja-like reflexes. Good taste in music.
Weaknesses: Hears voices in his head. [Spoilers] Blind. Dies.
Score: 7

JOHN PRESTON (Equilibrium)
Strengths: Master of “Gun fu.”
Weaknesses:  A bit emotional. Also, while f*cking cool, gun fu isn’t a thing.
Score: 6

Strengths: Brains. Dog lover. Interior design.
Weaknesses: Talks to inanimate objects.
Score: 6

JIM (28 Days Later)
Strengths: Eventually develops a heroic streak.
Weaknesses: Sleeps through everything. Side note: His cohort Selena was the one who survived the worst part of the zombie apocalypse and a renegade army battalion. She gets an 8.
Score: 5

THE MAN (The Road)
Strengths: Dogged. Loves kids.
Weaknesses: Lacks identity. Not really a “people” person.
Score: 5

JOHN CONNOR (The Terminator)
Strengths: With John, you never know who to expect. Or when. Or what. Ah, time travel.
Weaknesses: Skittish about technology. Mommy issues.
Score: 5

DENTON VAN ZAN (Reign of Fire)
Strengths: That leap gets mad style points.
Weaknesses: You’re in England, man. Dragons or not, stop being the ugly American.
Score: 5

COLUMBUS (Zombieland)
Strengths: Has a plan, sticks to it. Cardio.
Weaknesses: Loner. Minus two points for terrible Bill Murray recognition skills.
Score: 3

PHIL TANDY MILLER (The Last Man on Earth)
Strengths: Perfect immune system. Makes best of bad situations.
Weaknesses: Dad joke level of humor. Oversharer. More like most annoying man on Earth, amirite?
Score: 2

SHAUN (Shaun of the Dead)
Strengths: Master of weaponized vinyl.
Weaknesses: Takes a long time to notice things. Lack of ambition.
Score: 2

EVERY ’70S CHARLTON HESTON CHARACTER (Soylent Green, Planet of the Apes, The Omega Man)
Strengths: Quotable. Good with the ladies.
Weaknesses: Stating the obvious — yes, yes, we blew it up, it’s people, blah blah blah … But he never really improves a situation.
Score: 2

THE POSTMAN (The Postman)
Strengths: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night …
Weaknesses: Never trust a guy that can be slowed down by a couple of Restoration Hardware catalogs.
Score: 2

RICK GRIMES (The Walking Dead)
Strengths: Takes a beating, keeps on … well, keeping on.
Weaknesses: Horrible leadership style. Seriously unstable. Carl.
Score: 1

JOSEPH COOPER (Interstellar)
Strengths: Transcends time and space.
Weaknesses: Transcends time and space with “love.”
Score: 1

SAM HALL (The Day After Tomorrow)
Strengths: Can outrun wolves. And cold.
Weaknesses: You can’t actually outrun cold.
Score: 1

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