Hello, pigskin fanatic. Do you:
Talk more about your fantasy team than your children?
Throw remotes at TVs?
Get cut off by the end of first quarter? (Looking at you, Bills Mafia.)
Then you’re terrible. Terrible enough to make our 50 Worst Football Fans list, ranked by the egregiousness of their behavior.
And yes, we’re talkin’ American football (although you footie snobs made the list, too).
50. Whoever who made that dancing robot for Fox
49. Any woman who shows up in a gender-specific and/or blinged-out jersey. We get it: you’re a lady. Now stop flirting with the patriarchy and put on a real jersey.
48. CFL fans
47. Anyone who falls asleep at a game, whether because they’re bored or overserved
46. Any adult in a football jersey (Are you under the age of 13? Is it Halloween? Are you actually a player on a team? Are you sleeping with one? If you answered “no” to all of the above, don’t wear a jersey. Period.)
45. Guys who start talking to you at the urinal
44. Mike Ditka, and his army of acolytes
43. Americans who call soccer “football” and make comments like, “Oh, you mean American football” when you ask them about anything pigskin-related
42. Phil Simms, the announcer so bad he comes with a popular Twitter parody account
41. Anyone who corrects you that the coaches are using a Microsoft Surface, not an iPad
40. Anyone who judges you when you don’t participate in the Wave
39. People who buy crappy, overpriced stadium food and then complain about crappy, overpriced stadium food
38. The guy who sold Lawrence Taylor cocaine for the first time
37. Drunk people who try to make you feel guilty for bringing your kid to the game which they assume means that they should be on their best behavior when in reality you could give zero f*cks
36. The guy wearing a Stadium Pal
35. Adults who go around after games collecting souvenir cups
34. Adults who force their young children to go around after games collecting souvenir cups
33. Adults posing as young children in order to go around after games collecting souvenir cups
32. That guy who shoves a little kid out of the way in order to get on the Jumbotron
31. The guy who is crying because someone scored a meaningless touchdown late in the game that prevented him from covering the spread and he didn’t have enough money for the bet so now is fearing for his kneecaps
30. People with flags on their cars. This ain’t war, people.
29. Anyone in the stands holding a John 3:16 sign
28. The guy who moved down from the cheap seats into your seats while you were in the bathroom and won’t get up so you have to go get an usher and look like a little snitch
27. Guy who invites you over to watch football and only has local broadcasts (no Sunday Ticket or Red Zone)
26. Facepainters
25. The Bills Mafia
24. Guy with his shirt off in -10 weather. We get it, you’re a man.
23. People who get a Super Bowl Champs tattoo before the game
22. People who harass kids at games/People who bring kids to games (tie)
21. Kids who play games on their cell phone for four quarters
20. Anyone at a Super Bowl party who “only watches for the commercials”
19. People who clap excessively and volubly “coach” the players from their living room
18. People who think Tim Tebow should still be in the NFL
17. People who think racist trash talk is kosher in the fantasy league chat
16. Anyone who attempts to sound like Chris Berman. Including Chris Berman.
15. Anyone wearing a Ray Rice, Aaron Hernandez or Richie Incognito jersey “ironically”
14. The guy sitting behind you who spills beer on you every time something exciting happens
13. Angry suburban moms who don’t like Cam Newton’s dance moves
12. Your Fantasy Football co-owner who texts you to remind you how awful your team is, but how great his other team in another league is
11. People who throw remotes
10. Guy who is so drunk that he gets cut off by the beer guy, aka the person whose sole purpose it is to sell people beer and get them drunk
9. Anyone who tries to pick a fight in or around the stadium
8. People who don’t shut up about their fantasy teams
7. People who actively root against their supposed “team” in favor of their fantasy team
6. Donald Trump, who actually destroyed a pro football league in the ’80s
5. Anyone who thinks the name and insignia of the Washington Football Team are totally kosher and not an example of gross cultural appropriation
4. Eagles fans
3. Anyone who talks during a moment of silence
2. Any father openly teaching his son to leer at women (“Yeah, take a look at that, son!”)
1. Roger Goodell
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