This year’s Oscars feel like more of a chore than usual.
Mostly because it was an unusually heavy year for film (reflection of the times, perhaps?).
Two of the year’s most distinguished films — Moonlight and Manchester by the Sea — were tear-jerking slow burners. Another was a sci-fi film … about linguistics.
So instead of paying attention to Sunday’s bash, why not ignore everything and peruse our annual InsideHook Oscars, an offbeat celebration of 2016’s best (and worst) films.
Far more fun. Far more categories. And far less musical.
Worst Closing Line in an Otherwise Excellent Film: “Let’s make a baby,” Jeremy Renner, Arrival
The Tommy Lee Jones Memorial Award for Best Laconic But Ultimately Loveable West Texas Cop: (Tie) Jeff Bridges, Hell or Highwater; Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals
Best College Recruitment Video: Everybody Wants Some!!
Best Documentary: The Purge: Election Year
Best Performance in a Solo Masturbation Video: Hollywood, La La Land
Movies Most Likely to Get Porn Parodies Based on Title Alone: Nocturnal Animals, Sausage Party, My Life as a Zucchini, Tickled, The Handmaiden, Weiner
Double Feature Most Likely to Be Confused for a Breakfast Buffet: Sausage Party and O.J.: Made in America
Movie That Shockingly Didn’t Star Mark Wahlberg and/or Get Directed by an Affleck: Sully
Best Mark Wahlberg Movie Capitalizing on a Tragedy That Wasn’t Patriot’s Day: Deepwater Horizon
Most Ill-Timed Beer Run of All Time, Hands Down: Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Most Humanlike Stage Prop: Daniel Radcliffe in Swiss Army Man
Most Stage Prop-Like Human: Kristen Stewart in Equals
Movie That Wasn’t About Russia’s Role in the Election But Could Have Been: Trolls
Most Creative Use of an Etch-a-Sketch: Tie, Amy Adams, Arrival; Donald Trump, Executive Order meme
Movie Most Likely to Mansplain Why the Friendzone Is Real and PC Culture Is Ruining America: The Nice Guys
Movie Most Likely to Get in a Heated Facebook Argument With That Movie: 20th Century Women
The “Help! Some Oscar Voter’s Family Is Being Held Hostage” Award for Terrible Films That Got Actual, Real Nominations: Suicide Squad, Passengers and 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
Movie With the Most Built-in Bathroom Breaks: Hidden Figures
Movie That Best Doubles as a Description for a Bathroom Break: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk
Film That Most Accurately Describes the Status of Its Lead Actor’s Career: (tie) Kevin Hart: What Now?; Tom Cruise: Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
Most Likely Question When the Answer Is James Franco: “Why Him?”
Most Likely Answer When the Question Is “Her Again?”: Meryl Streep, nominated for a record 20th Academy Award for her role in Florence Foster Jenkins
WWE Hall of Famer Jim Duggan’s Favorite Film of the Year: Hacksaw Ridge
Best Use of an Actual WWE Maneuver: Chiron pulls out the chair in Moonlight
Least Likely to Use a Coaster on Your Coffee Table: The Heptapods, Arrival
Timeliest Piece of Social Criticism:The Witch, a parable about religious extremism and misogyny set in 1630s New England
Movie Most Commonly Ordered at Your Local Brothel: Midnight Special
Best Example of How White People Learned Nothing From the Making of The Last Samurai: The Great Wall
Best Examples of How White People Did Learn Something From the Making of Last Year’s Oscars: Fences, Hidden Figures and Moonlight, all of which are nominated for Best Picture
Best Way to Undermine All That: By snubbing Moonlight (the year’s best film; fight us) in favor of the tightly constructed but ultimately heavy-handed Manchester by the Sea. Or worse, La La Land.
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