Advice | September 27, 2016 9:00 am

How to Give a Woman an Orgasm

It's a subtle art, but it is your duty and it can be mastered

Sex is supposed to feel good. Often, it actually does. (No, really, you were great! Honest.)

But sometimes, the Big O — the female orgasm, the climactic moment, the part where the fireworks all explode in one amazing grand finale of delighted shreiks, fluttering eyelashes and trembling limbs, just never … quite … happens.

Why not? Well, lots of reasons, really, only some of which have anything to do with you. But you can — and you probably should — do your utmost to bring your partner to the top of the mountain. We’re going to assume you are already well-acquainted with the sexual organ attached to your own abdomen. So let’s focus on her.

Here, a few key tips:

Choose your moment.
Before you even think about getting in her pants, you need to see if she’s in the mood. I’m not talking about lighting candles or whipping out the massage oil (although those certainly can’t hurt). I mean you need to read the emotional cues correctly. Unlike you, she is not always interested in sex. It comes and goes. Is she feeling tense, worried or (gulp) pissed off at you? Or does she seem enthusiastic and playful? A large part of sexual compatibility is learning to read your partner’s erotic temperature, developing an understanding of when to jump their bones … and when to back off. Once you have a good sense of how receptive she will be to your sexual overtures, then and only then should you proceed.

If you’re not sure, ask.
Yes, it’s awkward. It often seems more natural to proceed slowly and remain sensitive to negative vibes that call for a rain check. But some people are hard to read. If your partner is one of those people, you may need to get explicit. A raised eyebrow might be a reasonable signal of your intentions. Or a lightly offered “Wanna make out?” might be necessary. You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure it out. The important thing is to pick up on her cues and take them seriously.

Set the table.
Do the bed sheets reek like B.O.? Do you? Is the air conditioner blasting freezing cold air? Is your phone blowing up with Pokémon Go alerts? Could a roommate/child/housekeeper burst in the door any minute? Or (ahem) a parent? Is a desk lamp angled into her eyes? All of this might seem extraneous. It’s not. Your girl needs to feel safe, clean, warm (but not too warm), free from distractions, and most of all, comfortable in order to relax enough to have an orgasm. That said, once you get to know each other (through a decade of marriage for instance) you may be able to let some of these items slide, but not with a new partner.

Forget everything you learned watching porn.
Repeat after me: the women in pornography are paid performers. Generally speaking, they are acting out a male fantasy — the one where the guy is in total control, and the woman is driven to the heights of ecstasy by the relentless piston-like pounding of his massive … yeah, no. Doesn’t really work like that, at least, not usually. In real life, you will need patience, sensitivity, excellent communication skills, and a facility not only with your equipment but with your fingers, tongue and perhaps a sex toy as well. Did we mention patience?

Don’t assume to know exactly what to do.
It can be tempting to repeat what has worked with other women, but as Basic Instinct 2 made all too clear, the sequel doesn’t always live up to the original. Women have different preferences in bed. Yes, there are some commonalities (most will respond well to a gentle stroking of the clitoris and nipples, for instance), but your mileage may vary. Just because your ex-girlfriend could have a mind-blowing orgasm from vaginal sex doesn’t mean your current squeeze will. The reality is that you probably won’t know what sets her ablaze until she tells you, so ask questions about what she likes and dislikes. Or, if she doesn’t know, figure it out together!

Ease up on the pressure.
For decades, the female orgasm was the Loch Ness Monster of human sexuality: an intriguing rumor, rarely seen, its existence doubted altogether by most men and probably a lot of women too. Once we figured out for sure that it exists — does it ever — men came under a certain amount of pressure to make it happen. Overall, this is a very welcome development. But given how obsessive guys can get when faced with a challenge, especially a challenge that places them in competition with other men, it can also get a little intense. How do we put this? Her orgasm is for her to enjoy. It’s not to make you feel like a stud. Giving someone an orgasm is about bestowing a gift; it should be done freely, cheerfully, in a spirit of openhearted generosity.

And here’s the rub, as it were: If you’re too determined to make your partner orgasm, you might just prevent it from happening at all. Ease up, pal. This is supposed to be fun. And remember, her Big O is not about your big ego.

But don’t worry, pull this off and you’ll likely reap your own rewards in due time.  

Take your time.
This is not a rush job. You’re not on the clock. True, you may feel a certain urgency due to your own heightened arousal (hello, big boy), in which case try not to sweat it. If you need to come, let it happen: You’ll rally for round two. I know you will.

In general, though, good sex takes time. It’s difficult to relax if one or both of you feels rushed, so the seven minutes between when you hit the snooze button and when she has to get ready for work is probably not the ideal moment explore all the natural wonders of her womanly form. (Keep your morning wood to yourself, at least on weekdays, okay?)

And remember, do not worry or panic if it takes longer than you expect for her to work up to an orgasm — or if she loses mojo partway through. It could take your girl a few minutes, or it could take the better part of three GoT episodes. Or like Ol’ Nessie, it could remain elusive for yet another day. If you don’t quite arrive at your desitnation, that’s okay, too. Just as long as you both enjoyed the ride.