You’ve heard the phrase “treated like a princess,” a common metaphor describing how some women want to feel in a relationship. But what exactly does receiving, or providing, “princess treatment” mean? And what does that look like? A recent TikTok is stirring up controversy.
The TikTok
TikTok user @jojoejoelle recently went viral for discussing the “princess treatment” she experienced courtesy of her husband, specifically during a recent dinner date.
For her, the basis of “princess treatment” comes down to her husband taking the reins in social situations while she stays quiet and uninvolved. In this video focused on dining, she explains how he drives to the restaurant and opens the door for her, which seems pretty standard. But things take a turn when she explains she avoids speaking to or making eye contact with the hostess or waiter at a restaurant.
“If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I do not talk to the hostess, I do not open any doors and I do not order my own food,” she says. “You’re just letting your husband lead and be masculine.”
Naturally, people on TikTok had a lot to say about it. The comments section is filled with comments from concerned viewers (“As a former server if I saw this I’d genuinely be concerned that it was a case of domestic violence”; “Me when I’m a prisoner”; “12 years a wife”). It all feels pretty unsettling. There’s nothing, to me, that feels masculine about a man who’s content with a woman’s desire to make herself small for the sake of her partner. Other users highlighted the absurdity of this situation by posting videos where they act out the scenario she describes.
Ultimately, it’s a jarring dynamic to hear labeled as “princess treatment.” Let’s break down the phrase a little more, and another TikTok trend that’s cropped up alongside it.
What Is “Princess Treatment”?
The phrase has floated around on social media among young women for quite some time, a kind of umbrella term revealing the highest desirable expectations of how women want to be treated in a relationship. For some people, this could look like acts rooted in monetary value or service — buying her favorite coffee or flowers regularly, carrying her bags in an airport, etc. — or it could look like more grand gestures. Essentially, its treatment that makes the woman in your life feel over-the-top appreciated.
The user @tamkaur_ believes that “true princess treatment” is how her boyfriend will go out of his way to make sure she gets what she wants — and will stop everything to guarantee she has it.
In this video, @emilykrogsboel explains that princess treatment isn’t necessarily tied to money but how you’re taken care of on an emotional level.
Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach and podcast host, says that princess treatment isn’t romantic. “It’s a socially accepted way to avoid being an adult in a relationship,” she says. “In a healthy and secure relationship, no one is anticipating every single one of your needs without you fucking communicating that to them.”
Or there’s this example, where a woman’s husband reportedly showed up to a nail salon, without her asking, to come and pay for her nail appointment. The onlooker’s takeaway from the interaction? “When I say I’m doing something, you show up with your card.” That, to her, is princess treatment.
There’s quite a range for what’s being called “princess treatment” here, whether it be extravagant acts or simply someone who treats their partner as an equal. It’s actually started another TikTok trend that’s been circulating online since this original video was posted that’s all about “the bare minimum.”
The Bare Minimum
“The bare minimum” in a relationship usually means the lowest acceptable bar of behavior that someone should be willing to accept or put up with, and it can come with a negative connotation.
If you’re being told you’re doing something for a woman that’s the bare minimum, it means you’re doing something generally considered appropriate relationship behavior, but still low effort, like opening a car door. In context, a woman may be talking to one of her friends about a guy she’s seeing, and she’ll applaud him for something simple. Maybe he doesn’t use two-in-one shampoo. Maybe he follows up after a date. Maybe he simply gets consent before making advances. The common response? “That’s the bare minimum.”
Granted, it’s not always bad. Women absolutely want men to be achieving the bare minimum. The acts I mentioned above are all incredibly simple, easy and thoughtful things to do, and doing them goes a long way. But that can’t be the extent of your effort in the relationship — and this TikTok trend shows that.
Here, you’ll see women quizzing their boyfriends, giving them a prompt and asking them if they think that specific act or behavior should be classified as “princess treatment” or “the bare minimum.” If they get it wrong, they face consequences, like being sprayed with a hose or getting their head dunked in ice water.
In this TikTok, acts like filling up and paying for his girlfriend’s gas or paying for her parking ticket are the bare minimum — which he guessed wrong, according to his girlfriend — and buying a Birkin bag is princess treatment, which he guessed correctly. Some of the bare minimum acts he guessed correctly were driving everywhere when they’re together, buying her flowers randomly and knowing each other’s passwords.
And in this one, acts like opening the car door are the bare minimum, which he guessed correctly. What about taking his girlfriend on shopping sprees and ordering food when she’s hungry? He chose princess treatment, but she disagreed.
Again, there’s clearly a range here. Every woman will have different wants, needs and communication styles. To her, the bare minimum is meeting those needs at a basic level, and princess treatment goes beyond that to make her feel special, whether it’s simply making her coffee every morning or treating her to her regular manicures.
Notably, unlike the original video, “princess treatment” does not involve your partner making herself small in order to inflate your ego.
What’s Not Considered “Princess Treatment”
In the original TikTok posted by @jojoejoelle, she continues to talk about how if a waiter does ask what she wants to eat, directly addressing her, she’ll turn to her husband and look for his direction first, but sometimes if they continue to try addressing her, she will speak for herself. She says not ordering for herself is just “a fun princess treatment thing.”
Being a grown adult in a consenting relationship where this form of socialization is what you both agree upon is one thing, I guess. On one hand, who am I to yuck someone’s yum? On the other, it’s a dynamic that feels demoralizing to women who place any value in their independence. I don’t see any direct correlation between not ordering for yourself and being treated like a princess. There is nothing romantic about not getting to be yourself around your partner, and there’s nothing masculine or admirable about not giving your partner the room to be herself.
Talking about independence is actually kind of ridiculous in this instance because the independence here is literally just ordering for yourself at a restaurant.
“It’s almost like [the waiter keeps] trying to get me to speak,” she continues. Well, yeah, no kidding. I imagine it’s really annoying to be a waiter and have your customer sit in complete silence and listen to her husband butt in while you’re trying to talk to them.
She also mentions that she’s aware of how she’s speaking in a public setting. According to her, if you’re a woman on a date with a man, you shouldn’t speak too much or too loudly, or even laugh loud enough that it causes looks from other people in your vicinity.
Let me take this opportunity to also inform you that this is definitely not the type of space to create in a relationship if you’re trying to land a woman. It doesn’t make you more of a man to take over your partner’s free will and decision-making in this way. It’s controlling. It’s also not an admirable trait to encourage someone to put away parts of herself in order to feel good in her relationship. Sure, show up and be a good partner in a way that seems important to her, but not in a way that involves her not thinking for herself.
Generally, I find the whole “princess treatment” concept a tad juvenile, like something I’d go around saying in high school. I do think we all should be aware that there is a bare minimum, and then there’s better than that — which should not require losing your free will or the added responsibility of having to act like a parent toward your partner.
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