For a sex writer, I’ve never been that into porn. It’s not that I have any moral qualms or conservative reservations — I think porn is a great source of pleasure and a useful tool for sexual exploration that should be enjoyed guilt-free by all who feel called to it, and I obviously respect and admire the performers that have made it their career (or side hustle). It’s just that I never bothered seeking out porn in secret as a horny teen — a vivid imagination and some smutty historical romance novels did me just fine — and by the time I reached full-grown, sex-having adulthood and was free to pursue porn as I pleased, I felt like it was too late to get into it. This is also more or less the reason I never watched Game of Thrones: by the time I had access to it, it felt like the moment had passed.
Several years after I thought I’d missed the porn boat, however, I was reintroduced to the wonderful world of pornography by a partner who wanted us to watch it together. While we tend to think of porn as a source of solo pleasure to be enjoyed in private, plenty of people make it part of their partnered sex life as well. According to Maitland Ward, award-winning adult film actress for Vixen Media Group, watching porn with a partner is a trend that’s on the rise.
“I’ve had so many people, so many couples, come to me and say, ‘You’ve enhanced my sex life with my wife or my partner,’” she tells InsideHook. “It’s such a great compliment to say, ‘My wife loves you. We totally have great sex to your scenes.’”
While porn consumption may have once been thought of as a male-dominated space — one wives and girlfriends were expected to be wary of — Ward says she’s noticed a major shift in recent years, one that has not only seen women embracing porn on their own, but straight couples enjoying it together.
“I really think that now it’s something a couple can sit and watch together and get turned on by,” says Ward. “I just think couples are more open to this now.”
This is good news for anyone in a relationship, considering the benefits of watching porn with a partner are myriad. “I honestly cannot recommend this enough,” says Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, NYU professor of Human Sexuality and sexpert for LELO, “especially for couples who feel like they may be stuck in a bit of a rut.”
For one thing, porn makes you horny (duh). It will also make your partner horny. Turning on some porn is probably the easiest, most efficient way to get in the mood, like steroids for foreplay. “Seeing other people giving and receiving pleasure can be visually exciting and arousing,” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of the award-winning site Sssh.com, the premier destination for sex-positive, ethical porn made from a woman’s point of view. “It can also lead to exploring each other’s bodies and can increase your overall satisfaction.”
Indeed, as Vrangalova notes, “Research shows that watching porn with a partner positively affects couples’ sex and relationship satisfaction.”
In addition to getting you both turned on, watching porn together can also help you and a partner explore or develop new fantasies, and learn more about each other’s desires.
“It is a great way for couples to bring in some novelty and excitement to their sex lives, to get new ideas about things they could do with each other,” says Vrangalova, adding that enjoying porn together can also be a way for couples to vicariously “live out” fantasies they may not necessarily be interested in acting out in real life, as well as to “open up conversations about desires and fantasies that might be otherwise awkward to bring up.”
Meanwhile, if your partner happens to have some concerns about your porn consumption, inviting them into that part of your life by watching porn together might be a way of mitigating some of those anxieties.
Of course, thinking about introducing porn into your partnered sex life and actually doing it are two different things. Below, some expert tips on how to bring porn into your bedroom, and how to make the most of the experience.
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Talk about it first
As is the case with literally any sex act, consent is imperative. Moreover, the key to getting enthusiastic, non-coerced consent is talking about the thing you want to do ahead of time, not just springing it on your partner in the heat of the moment.
“Be sure that this is something you are both open to and consent to, and that even the genres you’re interested in viewing have been discussed and agreed upon. For an optimal experience, everyone needs to be on the same page,” says Rowntree. “Make sure you both fully consent and feel comfortable with what you are viewing.”
How you initiate that conversation will depend largely on your individual feelings about porn, as well as the extent to which you’ve discussed topics like porn and masturbation together in the past.
“Generally speaking, being upfront and direct works for a lot of couples,” says Vrangalova. “Saying something like, ‘Hey honey, I’ve been thinking, and I think it might be fun if we watched some porn together sometime.’”
An important key here is “sometime.” Suggesting watching porn together — especially for the first time — as something that should happen at a set time within the immediate future is not a recipe for success. Give your partner time and space to digest the idea, discuss any concerns or reservations they may have, and accept or reject it on their own terms.
A slightly less direct approach might involve asking a partner what kind of porn they like, and then suggesting you watch it together.
Keep the conversation going
In any sexual encounter, consent should be an ongoing conversation. A one-time “yes” does not a consensual experience make, and the same goes for watching porn together. Make sure you and your partner discuss and consent to every aspect of the experience, including what kind of porn you want to watch and the specific scene(s) you choose to view.
“No matter what you’re into, the important thing is always to communicate and be on the same page — and totally respect your partner’s wishes if they aren’t interested or comfortable with something,” says Rowntree. While both partners should feel free to express discomfort with a particular genre, scene or sex act, both have an obligation to respect each other’s desires, even if they decline to participate in them. “Never judge or belittle each other’s fantasies,” Rowntree adds.
After you’ve decided what to watch, it’s important to continue to check in with each other throughout the experience. You don’t always know what you’re getting from a preview, so there’s a chance that even an enthusiastically agreed-upon video may include some scenes or acts one of you isn’t entirely comfortable with. That’s totally okay! The key is for both parties is to feel completely comfortable speaking up if something isn’t working for them, and also to keep an eye on each other.
Ideally, everyone involved in any sexual situation would feel 100% comfortable speaking up about any concerns. Obviously, we know this isn’t always the case. Pay attention to your partner’s body language. If you think they seem uncomfortable, check in with them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from reaffirming their consent. If they’re not into it, you can always pick another scene or try again another time. As always, consent can be revoked at any time during an encounter, so make sure you pay attention to and respect your partner’s boundaries.
“Realize you and your partner are taking something of an emotional risk together by exploring porn as a couple,” says Rowntree. “Communicate with each other throughout, especially if you encounter anything you don’t like watching or aren’t comfortable with. Remember that your partner isn’t psychic.”
Be aware of the reservations your partner may have
While watching porn together may feel blasé to some couples, there are plenty of people for whom this is entirely uncharted territory. It’s only natural for one or both partners to have some reservations about bringing porn into the bedroom, especially if they don’t have a ton of experience with porn themselves.
Some people might feel threatened by the performers or sex acts they see on screen, and might worry that they don’t measure up. To this, Rowntree offers the reminder that porn is a fantasy, and a professionally staged one, at that.
“You can’t compare your sexual abilities to that of a professional ‘sexual athlete,’” she says. “It’s important to realize that the men and women who create porn are the equivalent of pro-athletes; they train their bodies to assume positions and poses during the course of filming that are not part of most people’s sexual practices. It’s their job.”
If you’re going to watch porn with a partner, you should both be aware of the difference between fantasy and reality, and be comfortable enjoying the athletic and aesthetic prowess of professionals without worrying about how you measure up. (You don’t, and that’s fine!)
People who are less comfortable with porn in general might also worry that their partner wants porn to replace their partnered sex life, or that watching porn will make them less satisfied with the sex they have together as a couple.
“Before porn even enters the equation, it’s important to be in a place in your relationship where you can both talk openly about what you want, like and so forth,” says Rowntree. “Watching porn can never replace human touch or connection, nor can it ever replace the thrill of exploring your own intimacy with each other. There’s just no comparing a fantasy to the potential and possibilities of your own reality with a partner.”
For those who may feel threatened by something they see in porn, Rowntree offers this advice: “Look at it as an opportunity to explore other roads together that could take you to a mutually satisfying destination. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way (beyond mutual consent) to achieve pleasure together; every person and partnership is unique and ever-changing.”
“I think people, especially women, think it’s going to be a more scary experience than it really is,” says Ward. “It’s a wonderful experience. And I think that if couples have an open mind and they listen to each other about what the other person wants and how they want to experience and experiment, then they can have a great time.”
After all, the couple that watches porn together, stays together. Or at least gets off together.
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