It’s a debate as old as salacious material itself: Is watching porn when you’re in a relationship cheating? Despite having a rather obvious answer (no), the question reignites a discussion seemingly every few months. Last April, for instance, the question came in the form of a viral tweet that included a screenshot of a PornHub user announcing their retirement from the platform, while conflating porn consumption and infidelity.
“Boys, I am not here to watch, but to announce my retirement. I have officially found the one person that is right for me,” read the screenshot that amassed nearly 400k likes on Twitter. “She is brilliant, beautiful and loyal. Every day I wake up and realise how happy she makes me. The reason I am done watching porn is because it feels wrong, almost as if I am cheating. I hope one day you guys that are reading this find the same thing I have.”
Now, to no one’s surprise, the debate has made its way to the most popular app in the world.
On TikTok, videos explaining why watching porn is cheating, or encouraging the discussion, have gotten fairly popular. Search “is watching corn cheating” and you’ll be greeted with a slew of videos — mainly from women — explaining why your partner watching porn is a big ol’ red flag. (And no, not a typo. TikTok users often refer to porn as “corn” or spell the word with a zero instead of an “o” to get around TikTok guidelines that prevent NSFW content.)
So why do users believe watching porn is cheating?
TikTok user @mirabel_elume, who, according to her bio, is a 40-year-old mother, wife and life coach, believes that because your male partner is “getting the same physical satisfaction” from watching porn, he’s cheating on you. Her video on the subject has five million views.
Another user echoes this sentiment, explaining that to them, watching porn is an act of infidelity because you’re getting horny and fantasizing about other people. “In my mind, if you’re constantly fantasizing and dreaming about being with somebody else that’s a pretty fucking obvious sign that you should be with someone else,” they explain in a TikTok video, which has nearly 400,000 views and 67,000 likes.
As noted with the two videos above, the majority of these TikToks are encroaching viral status, some of which have accumulated millions of views. Not only are these semi-viral videos echoing similar sentiments about porn consumption and cheating but their accompanying comment sections are either reverberating the idea or calling the act “disrespectful,” but admitting they don’t define it specifically as cheating. Many users also express that knowing their partners watch porn makes them feel “inadequate.”
Generally, porn is a source of stimuli to help enable masturbation, explains Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor. And for lots of people, it is just that.
“I consider masturbation and sex with oneself to be a healthy part of being a sexual individual in the world. When I just look at porn as a function of masturbation, I don’t find it particularly threatening. Again, I think that that masturbation is healthy,” Kerner tells InsideHook. “I don’t necessarily see a problem with porn, although I am a big advocate of ethical porn,” he adds. “I’m not a big fan of the free porn that one finds on Pornhub simply because things like consent aren’t always clear, neither are the treatment of actors, copyright, ages and remuneration.”
As Kerner notes, mainstream porn sites like Pornhub have been the subject of pretty harrowing controversies, and the porn industry is certainly not without its faults. Some TikTok users cite the problematic aspects of porn as reasons they don’t like to consume porn or prefer that their partner doesn’t watch porn — and if you’re making a personal decision, is a perfectly valid reason to not engage in pornography. But again, ethical porn exists, yet is rarely a part of the discussion on TikTok.
Kerner also explains the reason why some people might consider porn cheating is that the act is inherently a secretive or at least private one.
“I think it’s mainly that it’s not the porn itself, it’s the fact that it’s often shrouded in secrecy. You add secrecy to anything, it really escalates. So, I think very often a partner has caught their partner watching porn or has seen their history. It’s already like this feeling of catching somebody in a secret.” And you’ll often find TikTok users using incendiary language like they “caught” their boyfriend watching porn.
Of course, everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings regarding porn, and we can sympathize with people who have had negative experiences with the matter. Most of us can probably agree that porn often promotes an idealized version of sex and what’s considered attractive, specifically when it comes to women’s bodies. So it’s unsurprising that some young women express feeling inadequate or unattractive to their partners upon learning they enjoy porn. Couples also have a right to define their monogamy agreements on their own terms. If that includes no porn and one party breaks that rule, the other party will understandably be upset.
But throwing out broad generalizations and blanket statements like “if your boyfriend watches porn he doesn’t find you attractive and wants to secretly fuck someone else” on an app frequented primarily by impressionable teens and young people … also isn’t the best. It only furthers anti-porn sentiments, promotes unsound theories confounding porn and cheating and could possibly hurt someone’s relationship if one party now believes they need to restrict their partner’s porn access because of a few TikToks they saw.
“I think it’s really particular to each relationship,” says Kerner. “I’ve worked with couples where one partner might have a low sex drive, or another partner might be dealing with some erectile unpredictability and they’ve decided to give themselves a masturbation break and hence a porn break, and they found that it’s been really healthy. I’ve also found, somebody’s been given an ultimatum and has sort of agreed, you can’t watch porn, you were lying, this was a secret. I think ultimatums often have a really negative impact.”
Part of the problem is TikTok itself, and the platform’s much-vaunted video algorithm which is very good at keeping users tuned in with content similar to videos they’ve already watched. Each user’s For You page is tailored to their interests which the app learns through user interaction and will recommend videos based on users’ comments, likes, etc.
I’m not entirely sure how watching-porn-is-cheating TikToks began appearing on my FYP, but I assume it’s because I tend to engage in videos that discuss or make jokes about relationships and sex. Once I saw one of these absurd videos trying to convince me that my boyfriend actually doesn’t love me because he watches porn, I instinctively went to the comments for other users’ opinions and was pretty shocked at the likeminded responses. While I didn’t like or comment on the video, I did spend some time in the comment section and saved it (for this piece). I then noticed I was being fed similar videos to the point where I, a 23-year-old woman who has never had any qualms about my partners’ porn habits, started rethinking my stance: Am I weird for not having an issue with this?
I’m not, it turns out. The app’s algorithm is just really good at amplifying particular voices and ideals, even though in reality, those views might be the minority. Like all social apps, TikTok has become an echo chamber and a place where people weirdly project their opinions and personal experiences onto everyone else. Sorry Jessica, but just because the man who cheated on your happened to watch porn like everyone else doesn’t make the act a barometer for infidelity. A lot of the discussions on the app surrounding serious topics, unfortunately, lack nuance, which is something a topic like porn requires.
If you have an issue with your partner watching porn, you probably shouldn’t make a TikTok about it. You should instead, have an open, honest conversation with them about it because pornography and its effects are ultimately subjective to each person and each relationship.
“Porn and masturbation can be a very healthy way of taking a break, relieving some stress, having some fun, engaging in fantasy,” says Kerner. “On the other hand, like anything, it can become overused, overdetermined. It starts to become an unhealthy coping mechanism, an escape either from stress, or anxiety or from a relationship or pressure. I think like anything in life almost like food, exercise, something can be healthy and it can also become unhealthy and it’s very subjective.”
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