Is the Key to Better Sex... Going Back to the Office?

When pandemic work-from-home mandates first became the law of the land in offices across America some two-plus years ago, my first thought (right after, “oh, haha, this seems bad”) was that everyone would definitely be masturbating during work hours way more often. Anecdotally, it would seem my forecast was accurate. As we know from a certain infamous Zoom Dick Incident, people certainly were masturbating during work hours, and film-maker Erika Lust even instituted scheduled masturbation breaks for her employees last year.

But while work-from-home may have been great for solo sex, some corporate Americans think getting back to the office will actually give their sex lives a boost overall. A recent survey of professionals on the anonymous social network Blind — which, from what I gather, is basically YikYak meets LinkedIn — found that 35% of singles think getting back to the office will improve their sex lives. (Only 16% fear returning to the office will hurt their sex lives, while the remaining 49% don’t think it will make a difference.)

While these attitudes may raise some eyebrows in a post-MeToo era of corporate culture and workplace boundaries, the single and ready to mingle professionals who expect returning to the office to boost their sex lives clarified that it’s not because they have any workplace affairs in mind. Rather, it seems most of them just see the reopening of offices as a sign of all forms of social life returning. “I will actually have a reason to meet people in real life,” said one Bank of America employee, while someone at Deloitte said they were looking forward to “meeting people in person with common interests.”

Meanwhile, if you, like me, were thinking that maybe some of that return to office sexual optimism had to do with the fact that it would be easier for partnered professionals to have affairs when they have “staying late at the office” as an alibi, the majority (57%) of coupled respondents said returning to work would have no effect on their sex life. If anything, 25% said no longer working from home together would hurt their sex life, and only 18% seemed to think it might help.

Either way, partnered or single, most professionals don’t seem to think being in the office will change much about their sex lives. But if you happen to be among the 35% of corporate Americans who apparently think bright overhead lighting and bad Keurig coffee is a turn on, then I’m certainly not here to yuck anyone’s yum.