Internet | April 7, 2021 6:00 am

I, Too, Wish to Wed Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart says her famed summer thirst-post earned her multiple marriage proposals, which makes sense to me.

close-up photo of Martha Stewart's face, pool in the background
Martha Stewart has always been hot. Deal with it.
@marthastewart48

The lifespan of a thirst-trap is usually pretty short. They are taken, posted, thirsted over and then quickly forgotten and/or deleted. Even the Kardashians can rarely squeeze more than a smattering of headlines per 24-hour news cycle out of any given thirst-post these days. If you’re Martha Stewart, however, your thirst-traps live on. In fact, a swimming pool selfie Stewart famously shared to Instagram last summer has once again re-entered the conversation, months after it was initially posted.

In a recent appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, stand-in host Howie Mandel inquired after the famed selfie, asking Stewart if she received any Zoom date offers after sharing the mid-pandemic post. As it turns out, the 79-year-old received more than that. According to Stewart, the sultry snap — which the mogul later claimed was taken accidentally — resulted in multiple marriage proposals, among other “propositions.”

“Oh, I got so many proposals and, you know, so many propositions,” Stewart told Mandel. Being the busy lifestyle mogul she is, however, Stewart was of course forced to turn down her eager suitors. “I had to ignore all of them,” she said. “I’m a very busy person.”

While Stewart’s post may have taken the world by surprise last summer, however, the response it garnered is hardly shocking. Of course everyone wants to marry Martha Stewart. In fact, I, too, wish to wed Martha Stewart and live out the rest of my days in an idyllic throuple with the near-octogenarian and her sexy gardener, who moved into Stewart’s guest house during the pandemic last year and I can only assume never left, because why would you?

While part of the mania surrounding Stewart’s selfie may be the apparent novelty of a 79-year-old woman who built an empire out of the domestic arts exercising her sex appeal, the truth is Martha Stewart has always been unironically sexy. We’re delighted and perhaps tickled when Stewart posts a sexy selfie or decorates weed cookies with Snoop Dogg, because those don’t seem like things we’d expect a 79-year-old professional homemaker to do. We tend to forget, however, that Stewart has lived many lives, and she was hot in all of them.

Before building her multi-media empire, Stewart modeled for Chanel and later pursued a career as a stockbroker, taking on Wall Street in “hot pants” and high heels. The Martha Stewart we think we know is just one of many Marthas, all of whom have been hot, successful and unapologetically cool.