25 Awards the Academy Won’t Be Handing Out This Weekend

An offbeat celebration of the best (and worst!) films of 2017

By The Editors
February 28, 2018 9:00 am

If you didn’t see many movies in 2017, you missed some serious cinematic achievements:

Superhero movies that weren’t tired or formulaic (Wonder Woman; Thor: Ragnarok). Badass, complex female characters with, shall we say, flexible moral compasses (Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; I, Tonya). And a genre film that doubled as an acerbic commentary on racial injustice in contemporary America (Get Out).

The good part? You needed to see exactly zero of those flicks to appreciate this: the annual InsideHook Oscars, an offbeat celebration of the year’s best (and worst!) films.

Far more fun. Far more nonsensical. And far less musical.

Best Place to Advertise Your Three Rental Properties Near Ebbing, Missouri: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Best Episode of Stranger Things: It

Most Dad-Bod: Colin Farrell, Killing of a Sacred Deer

Least Dad-Bod: Adam Driver, The Last Jedi

The American Pie Memorial Award for Food You’re Least Likely to Ever Look at the Same Way Again: The Peach, Call Me by Your Name

Runners up: Spaghetti (Killing of a Sacred Deer), Chocolate Pie (A Ghost Story)

Least Outstanding Use of Creedence in ‘Nam (via Dan Harmon): The Post

Most Likely to Become a Hip-Hop Mixtape With One Tap of the Space Bar: The Flo Rida Project

Actual Most Dystopian Film of Year, According to One Brilliant Conspiracy Theory: Cars 3

Scariest Movie You Thought Was a Porno: It Comes at Night

Best Movie Title for Firing InsideHook Managing Editor Kirk Miller: Dunkirk

Most Likely to Be Working Title of the Russian Pee Tape, If It Exists: Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Most Likely to Be a Pain in the Ass at Parent-Teacher Conferences (tie): Frances McDormand (Three Billboards), Allison Janney (I, Tonya) and Laurie Metcalf (Lady Bird)

Least Likely to Even Show Up at a Parent-Teacher Conference: Bria Vinatie, Florida Project

Harshest, Most Self-Important Food Review Since Pete Wells on Guy Fieri: Daniel Day-Lewis eating asparagus in Phantom Thread: “I’m admiring my own gallantry for eating it the way you prepared it.”

Most Vicariously Satisfying Dentist Appointment: Frances McDormand (Three Billboards…)

Actress Whose Name Most Sounds Like an Italian Guy Telling You He’s High: Emma Stone, Battle of the Sexes

Best Endorsement for Ignoring Your Family’s Prejudice in Pursuit of True Love: Kumail Nanjiani, The Big Sick

Worst Endorsement for Ignoring Your Friend’s Prejudice in Pursuit of True Love: Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Movie We Were Most Surprised to Learn Isn’t About You: The Square

Unintentional Prequel/Sequel of the Year: The Darkest Hour and Dunkirk

The Charles Nelson Reilly Memorial Award for Big Ass Glasses (tie): Meryl Streep (The Post), Denzel Washington (Roman J. Israel, Esq.), Emma Stone (Battle of the Sexes) and Allison Janney (I, Tonya

Most Extensive Background Check Prior to First Day on Set: Christopher Plummer (All the Money in the World)

Best Portrayal of Mute Woman Inexplicably Willing to Kiss Repulsive Reptile Man: Melania Trump

Runner up: Sally Hawkins (The Shape of Water)

Most Likely to Have a Future Copyright Dispute With a Documentary About Harvey Weinstein’s Publicist: The Disaster Artist

Most Timely and Damning Indictment of American Racial Politics to Share Its Title With a Seinfeld Catchphrase: Get Out

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