Some people birdwatch. I bartend. Which makes me an ornithologist of sorts, only my subject is the drinker. Turns out, what you drink says a lot about who you are. Case in point: the local downtown dive where — when not writing for a living — I supplement my wages with tips.
What follows are field notes from last Friday night’s closing shift.
Illustrations by Olivia Sheehy
Long Island Iced Tea
Habitat: The doorway, swearing up and down that he’s on his way out.
Field notes, 6:18 p.m.: Adult male, late 30s, evidently just got out of work. He emerges from lingering in the doorway, calling to me: “I don’t want to drink too much, I need to go home soon.” I ask if he’s sure. I know he loves a good L.I. Iced Tea — he’s one of my earlybird regulars (earlybird for a closer means before 8 p.m.). “OK, fine — one Long Island, no fruit,” he says. He tosses cash on the bar and doesn’t want change. He downs his pint of liquor in under two minutes, thanks me and leaves with his friend.
Long Island Iced Teas are long-feared by bartenders nationally — nay, globally. The drink consists of five different types of liquor (vodka, gin, tequila, triple sec and white rum) topped with a smattering of lemon juice and Coke. Granting an L.I. Iced Tea drinker their wish opens a bartender up to future mayhem. I have witnessed many Long Island drinkers devolve into violent agents of chaos in very little time, terrorizing fellow patrons and instigating physical fights (don’t ask me about the number of times I’ve had to break up fights waving a Tito’s bottle like a ferocious magic wand). This order is frequently met with a grimace from the ‘tender, especially if the customer is a younger man. It is best to have no more than two of these lest you become the menace I am forced to wield my Tito’s at.
Quick tip: Two max. I’m watching you.
Beer + Shot Combo
Habitat: The same barstool, front and center, for four hours.
Field notes, 7:10 p.m.: Adult male, late 20s, wearing a high-crown cap paired with a matching casual suit (can a suit be casual?). Sunglasses: on. Beard: trimmed. Credit card: wielded between his fingers while he waves at me. He orders a Coors Light and a shot of Don Julio Reposado. I make a few drinks for the women with him as well — Margaritas, vodka sodas, easy cocktails. He orders Coors Light and Don Julio Repo shots for the next four hours.
This is the holy grail combo. It’s easy for your bartender to make, and if you order it more than once, your bartender will be keeping those beers close by on ice to serve you even faster. When I see someone order this, I know they’re likely going to be sitting at my bar for either five minutes, or a few hours. There is no in between. Usually (on a Friday night anyway), it’s the latter. You’re open to the night and where it will take you, and you usually overtip. You are a bartender’s dream. You probably are a bartender yourself.
Quick tip: Never change.
Vodka/Gin/Tequila/Scotch and Soda
Habitat: Two people deep, waiting patiently.
Field notes, 8:14 p.m.: Adult male, mid 40s, lingers knowingly behind a sea of people with his younger girl friend (platonic). We catch eyes — he says nothing, just offers a smile. I quickly fix him a Dewar’s and soda. It’s early in the night, so I have an abundance of lemon twists. I throw one of those in there because I know he likes a touch of citrus with his Scotch. I pass him the drink. “You know me so well,” he says.
This category is very dependent on base liquor, time of order and group size. Tequila sodas for a group of 20-something women? Potential wooing may ensue within the hour. Vodka sodas for the bros? Potential a cappella rendition of “Take Me Home, Country Roads” may ensue within the hour. Scotch and soda for a working guy and his friend? Potential good (cash) tipping may ensue within the hour. Can never go wrong with the classics.
Quick tip: Twist your Scotch (har har).
Wine or Bubbles
Habitat: The first open seat.
Field notes, 8:14 p.m.: Adult female, early 20s, freshly blown-out hair with new maroon highlights. She is the friend of the Dewar’s and soda guy. “Wait, can I get the orange wine? I’m really into that now,” she says to me. I extend my hand to her palm up, smiling and nodding. She tickles the palm of my hand with her nails and giggles. I pass the full wine glass over to her. “One or two tonight?” I ask. “Like, one and a half,” she says.
Field notes, 9:12 p.m.: Adult male, mid 40s, slips into a bar seat as soon as it’s vacated. I pull out a Champagne flute and wave it at him. He grins and nods. I place the flute (now full with Champagne) in front of him. “One or two tonight?” I ask. “Two,” he says. “I’m feeling fun.”
A glass of wine or bubbles indicates a casual but cautious drinker, especially on a Friday night. In a room full of people intent on blacking out and being on their worst behavior, the wine drinkers offer a bartender a safe haven of sanity. They usually don’t drink more than a couple glasses. This, of course, can change when surrounded by a bunch of friends also drinking wine, but I’ve found that overdoing it on wine or Champs is best done in the comfort of a friend’s home.
Quick tip: Need to pace yourself? Pop some bubbles.
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Martini Variations (Dirty, Straight Up, Vesper)
Habitat: Floating around the room from table to bar. Somehow knows everyone in the room.
Field notes, 8:49 p.m.: Adult females, late 20s — the leader of the group is wearing a red cardigan over a tiny crop top. Her blonde-streaked hair is thrown up into a claw clip. She calls to me. “Dani, baby, so good to see you! Can I get two dirty vodka Martinis, like filthy? Oh, and one Aperol Spritz!” She blows me a kiss. She’s having a girls night out — not looking for any suitors, unless they are able to charm their way past her girlfriends. Before picking up her Martinis, she leans over and takes a sip from both. Looking to not spill, or just feeling a little greedy? One never knows for sure.
I respect a drinker who knows where they want to go and wants to get there fast. A Martini will get you drunk in under half an hour. Most bartenders enjoy making Martinis, and they enjoy being complimented on their work, too. Two rules you should abide by for Martini drinking: know exactly how you like yours (i.e., don’t say “Can I have a Martini?” — know what liquor you want, know if you want it dirty or with a twist) and do not have more than three Martinis in one night. Three is a danger zone. Four is a story your friends will tell about you that you can’t remember.
Quick tip: Eat first. Stop at three.
Cosmopolitan
Habitat: Fashionably late, of course.
Field notes, 9:33 p.m.: Adult female, late 20s, donning a chic high-neck top and long blonde hair. She’s late to join her friends who are already two rounds deep. I turn to the latecomer with a raised eyebrow, basically asking what she wants — in a crowded bar, one must frequently resort to body language. “God, I don’t even know. I want something sweet,” she replies to my eyebrow. “Lychee Martini?” she asks. I shake my head. “No lychee,” I say. “A Cosmo then?” she asks. I nod and throw it all together, pouring the cocktail into a glass next to her hand to mitigate spilling. “This is so Carrie Bradshaw of me, I mean,” she laughs, “I am a writer drinking a Cosmo in New York City. Is that cliché?”
A Cosmopolitan is for the person who wants to live their New York dreams, be the hero of their own story. (My lukewarm take? Carrie is not the hero of that show. Fight me.) It’s a sweet drink full of liquor, so you face a similar danger with this cocktail as the Espresso Martini, but you don’t have to worry about caffeine jitters. It’s great to drink a couple of these quickly, and move on to a lower-ABV drink that you can nurse (Cosmos taste terrible when you let them sit too long).
Quick tip: Skip top-shelf vodka. Nobody can tell.
Espresso Martini
Habitat: One foot out the door to the next location.
Field notes, 10:41 p.m.: Adult female, mid-20s, sporting a fresh blowout (as usual). She locks eyes with me and squeals, opening and closing her hands with excitement. She calls breathlessly, “Dani! Ohmygoshitssogoodtoseeyou. Can we get three shots of tequila, and then one Espresso Martini for me?” She’s with a guy who looks her age — I forget if she has a boyfriend. She tells me she’s waiting for her twin sister, and then they’re going somewhere else.
That’s an Espresso Martini’s whole job. It should be a turbo booster to start your night, or as a midway pick-me-up to down quickly before heading to the next location. Drinking more than two consecutively is a bad move — these are sweet and chocolatey, but have massive quantities of liquor in them. Also, multiple shots of espresso back to back will have you shaking like a tiny dog in no time. Ordering a third? You’re looking for a different kind of stimulant.
Quick tip: It’s a weapon. Wield carefully.
Negroni
Habitat: Nestled into the cozy corner at the end of the bar. Bedtime ritual, maybe?
Field notes, 12:57 a.m.: Adult male, mid-30s, wearing a nondescript black outfit and glasses. He nods quietly at me when I catch his eye. “Negroni, mezcal. The good mezcal, please,” he says while leaning in. He, at a later point, asks me to remove the guy two seats down from him for sketching a picture of him drinking solo. “I don’t want a dude staring at me nonstop,” he says. The sketcher in question insists he is not drawing him. He shows us his sketchpad. He has drawn a juvenile portrait of a devil in red marker. My Negroni drinker still seems offended. I send the sketcher to the other end of the bar.
A Negroni is a classy drink. It’s hard to mess up. It’s a delicious but deceptively strong drink, and the type of person who orders a Negroni will usually stick with them the whole night, or only have one before switching to beer. Despite its bright red hue, this is a drink I often find men ordering. It is (maybe) the closest a straight man can get to drinking a “girly drink” without it actually being girly — due to the fact that this is just a big glass of all liquor and liqueurs. Bartenders love making this simple drink, and therefore love serving you if you regularly order this.
Quick tip: Yes to mezcal, no to fighting random artists.
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