The 2018 Sandal-Hater’s Guide to Summer Footwear

Just sheath those dogs. For everyone's sake.

May 23, 2018 9:00 am

This is but one installment of 37 Things a Man’s Gotta Do This Summer, our annual compendium of everything worth seeing, doing, eating, drinking and generally making time for in your neck of the woods between now and September. Stay tuned all month for more.

If you’ve read this publication long enough, you know the rules. Unless you are on a beach, about to jump into a pool or Jesus of Nazareth himself, no one wants to see those sandals.

It’s not you — it’s your feet. They probably look and smell … less than optimal. And unless you plan on establishing a bi-weekly pedicure routine, they will remain that way.

So just say no to the Teva, the Birk, the ‘Bo, the Havaiana. Instead, opt for something that is A) equally comfortable, B) better looking, and C) capable of keeping your bony, hairy, calloused toes where they belong: hidden.

Some new rules this year: No sneakers, because that’s a different class of shoe altogether, with its own occasions and recommendations. And no loafers or boat shoes, because you know what those look like and so does everyone else. Why not try something new this year?

Without further ado, I give you the 2018 sandal-hater’s guide to summer footwear, comprising 11 styles of slip-on that will fetch you compliments by the barrelful between now and Labor Day.

The Espadrille: Sea Star Beachcomber Espadrille
Most espadrilles are canvas. This one is neoprene with a rubber soul. That makes it a superior choice for any and all water-adjacent activities.

The Frenchie: Rivieras Tour de Monde
It’s bright. It’s breathable. It’s yacht appropriate.

The Staple: Sabahs
If your correspondent had to wear one shoe for the rest of his life, it would be the Sabah, a leather slipper by way of Turkey that will conform to your foot like a sannyasin to the Bhagwan.

The Peacock: Artemis Design Co.
One-of-a-kind slippers woven from vintage rugs by way of Istanbul. Don’t be alarmed by the stranger who just hurdled a lemonade stand to ask you, “WHAT ARE THOSE?”

The Almost Sandal: Chamula Cancun
Huaraches: a style of woven leather shoes indigenous to Mexico. As our Creative Director once wrote, “You don’t make a run for the border in these things — more like a cocksure stroll.”

The Tassel: Aldo Cadilia Tassel Loafer
Technically a loafer. But we like to think of it as a slipper with a mohawk.

The Blue Suede: Del Toro Suede Mule
Looking to show a little extra skin? Consider the mule. Unlike the ones you wear with your robe, these are navy suede, and allowed out of the house.

The Chunky One: Pierrepont Hicks Ox Moc
A beefier option by way of Minnesota, this moccasin weds a deerskin leather interior with a honey crepe sole. Oh yeah, it’s also teal.

The Evening Standard: Duke and Dexter Pyramid Black
Summer weddings and formal occasions call for dressing that tux down with something a little more playful, like this textured black slipper from London shoemakers Duke and Dexter.

The Vacationer: Nisolo Alejandro Woven
Soft leather liner for comfort, basket-woven leather outer for speed. An exceptional option for beaches and cabana bars the world over.

The Betsy Ross: Stubbs and Wootton x Vineyard Vines Stars and Stripes
A pair of needlepoint beauts that will make you the most popular guy in the room for at least one night this summer. Beware rogue fireworks: these pups weren’t built for agility.

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