From the first time I gave head, I knew I wanted to give head in a moving vehicle.
This is because my generation’s first exposure to road head was watching Margo Robbie go down on Leonardo DiCaprio in a white Ferrari in the opening scene of The Wolf of Wall Street, instead of reading about a man getting his dick bitten off in a Buick in The World According to Garp.
Despite the former film’s valiant rehabilitation attempt, road head remains a generally ill-advised novelty sex act that falls into the category of bucket list sex. Like shower sex and 69ing, road head is often found to be “actually bad” by the court of people who write about sex on the internet. A sex act often more difficult and potentially dangerous than it is satisfying, it’s the kind of sex you have once just so you can say you did it and then probably never attempt again.
To be sure, road head has a lot working against it. There are the obvious safety risks, most of which come down to the multitasking at hand, which is itself another drawback. The burden of multitasking is among the most frequent complaints leveled against 69ing, but at least while 69ing, the thing making it hard to focus on receiving pleasure is giving it. If you’re going to be distracted during sex, it helps if the thing distracting you from sex is also sex. With road head, the thing distracting you from sex is your obligation to not crash a the vehicle you’re driving and/or maneuver that vehicle in any way that could potentially harm you, your passenger or your penis. The stakes are much higher!
In addition to the potential for death or genital mutilation, there are also more minor, though potentially more likely, inconveniences at risk. “It’s hard to truly enjoy the experience when you are driving,” admitted one friend who’s received road head in a red Jaguar, if not a white Ferrari. “And you know how I like to keep my car clean.”
Meanwhile, things aren’t much better on the giving side. In addition to probably getting Heimliched by a center console, the person administering the road head is just as distracted as the driver by fears of perishing in a car accident or accidentally biting off a dick. This tends to result in a very slow, halting performance that is enjoyable for no one involved, which is ultimately a good thing because, as we’ve established, if the driver were actually enjoying the oral sex being performed, then he probably wouldn’t be paying attention to the road. This, of course, renders the whole production pointless. That’s what road head is. It’s a self-defeating sex act.
My own first and only road-head experience did not disprove this, in part because both parties involved were 17, which meant that we were teenagers attempting to simultaneously do two things teenages are really excited about and notoriously bad at: sex and driving.
Nevertheless, I’ve always remained optimistic that road head could someday be actually good — or if not good, at least a sex act whose inherent danger and futility doesn’t outweigh its novelty.
Fortunately, if ever there were a time for a road head renaissance, it’s now.
One of the great tragedies of modern life is that most literature on the history of road head has been lost to time. But it’s safe to say that road head as we know it today originated around the same time cars did. I’m sure it didn’t take long before some proud owner of a Ford Model T took a look at his new set of wheels and thought, “Hey, I bet I could get my dick sucked while driving that.”
Part of the reason the novelty of road head fades so quickly in the face of its logistical obstacles is that the act itself is past its prime. Like drive-in movie theaters and diners where waitresses delivered food to cars on roller skates, road head is a relic from a previous generation when people were just really jazzed about being able to drive cars. Everyone was really high on the novelty of being able to do thing in cars, which meant that all the things people normally enjoyed — watching movies, eating food, oral sex — were suddenly rendered new and interesting by being able to do them in a car.
Eventually that novelty wore off and cars just became commuting machines, driving became a chore and doing things in cars, sexual or otherwise, became a last resort. But, in case you haven’t heard, this summer has been widely predicted to mark a 21st-century return of the Roaring 20s, which, as far as I’m concerned, means it’s time to get really jazzed about cars again, as well as getting blown in cars.
Does road head still suck? Probably! Would it be easier, smarter and more satisfying to just give and/or receive oral sex in a parked car like a high schooler outside prom? Also yes. But listen, life is brief and terrifyingly susceptible to utter destruction by viral pandemic, so just get your dick sucked in a moving vehicle while you can. Will it be great? Probably not. But remember, in the sage words of one wise Jaguar owner, “Road head is better than no head.”