We’ve all heard the bad news: men are scared of women, now more than ever. Especially those they encounter in real life. Blame big tech, which has relegated guys to shooting their shot behind the safety of a screen — from dating apps to sending flop Instagram DMs to giving up and going full-time gooner. According to a Date Psychology study, 45% of men aged 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person.
Pretty bleak, but there’s hope, and I’m here to deliver it. In fact, I may be the most qualified chance you have. First of all, I’m bisexual, so I understand how approaching a beautiful woman in public is one of the most terrifying experiences in this life. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly: I’m a weekend bartender in downtown Manhattan, where I bear witness to this whole sexless tragedy (with some beautiful exceptions, see below) every Friday and Saturday night. In other words, I’ve been both participant and weekly voyeur into what works and what definitively doesn’t work across all shapes and sizes and ages of men. I’ve seen men punch up, women punch down and A-list alphas strike out. I’ve seen a 60-year-old man go home with the same 20-something woman that a man her own age just tried to bag. Are you guys really going to let the boomers have this, too?
Trust me when I say, I’m looking out for you and I want you to win. The goal here is to breach the divide — men fearing women, women fearing men — because none of you are considering how this is becoming a romantic’s (i.e., me) worst nightmare. Women want to feel desired, but there’s a playbook that seems to have been forgotten.
Let’s run it down.
Be Hot
We’ll dispense with the obvious first. If you have to think about whether or not this applies to you, then — sadly — it probably doesn’t. And that’s okay (!), because hot guys have a major impediment: women will assume that their personality is equivalent to that of a breathing brick wall. For many of you attractive men… well, experience tells me that may be true. I’ve had front-row seats to true buffoonery at my bar from some highly attractive men. Their looks can get conversations started, but they usually leave alone. Personality closes deals.
For my not-hots (I see you), sometimes all you need is a better wardrobe. Seriously. A well-tailored suit goes a long way, especially in the current sea of high-crown camo hats and baggy, bedazzled pants. Plus, a suit does double duty as a great opener for women to ask you where you’re coming from or where you’re going to, the latter being a killer segue to have her potentially come with you. Dress for the job you want.
Take It From a Woman: This Is the Sexiest Drink You Can Order on a Date
We sat down with cocktail creator and influencer Julianna McIntosh to chat all things dating and drinkingSubvert the Script
Hitting on women in bars is fun because it’s a movie where everyone knows the lines and enjoys playing their parts: the desired, the desirer. “Hi, what are you drinking?”; “You look beautiful tonight”; “I like your watch”; blah, blah, blah. In other words, it’s a game, and — pay attention here — one you can win by subverting the script.
Case in point: I once witnessed a guy in his 20s approach a woman of roughly the same age and he acted as though he were an amnesiac and that she were his wife. He did the bit for around five minutes, to the point where the confused woman was begging him to explain himself. He concluded with: “The only thing I can’t remember is your phone number.” And, yes, of course she gave it to him.
Obviously, Come Offering Gifts
By gifts, I mean drinks, this being a bar, and you being a sentient, flesh-and-blood person forced to partake in the real-life friction that is existing on planet Earth. Also, don’t “send” a girl a drink. That’s for cucks. I’m serious. Go up to her, introduce yourself — “Hi, I’m Richard,” or whatever your name is (hopefully it’s better than Richard, or you at least go by the diminutive Dickie, which is kind of cute, especially if you look like Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley) — and ask her what she is drinking. The next step is pretty easy: ask her if she wants another. See where I’m going here?
If she does (congrats!) — and this is critical — order the same thing as her, even if it’s a “girly” drink (also: drinks are genderless, you monster). The psychology behind this whole order-the-same-thing gambit is that it immediately creates intimacy, or so says science. When you are drinking the same beverage as someone else, you are simultaneously tasting the same thing. Which, hot. Duh. Women are sensual.
Tl;dr: when you buy or send a girl a drink, it feels like a throwaway gift, meaning she can take it and run. When you order yourself a drink with her, it’s a chess move in rapport-building.
Nervousness Gets You Points
Listen, I’m not going to tell you to put on an act. Women can smell bullshit in this situation, specifically because the situation in question is designed for bullshittery. But if the thing that’s stopping you from going up to a pretty girl is that you’re nervous, you can actually use that to your advantage.
Go off, my beta kings, because nervousness from a man is endearing. Sure, there will always be some women drawn to the alphas, but most of the (beautiful) women I know enjoy feeling like a man is slightly scared and majorly aroused by her. Nervousness means you fear me, and you haven’t even spoken to me yet, so you fear my beauty, which means I’m super beautiful, at least to you. See how the math maths here?
I saw this play out in real time the other night when a guy (who was definitely punching up with the woman he was hitting on) offered to buy her a drink. She said yes, and then the guy asked me for two “Tito’s vodkas — sorry, I mean vodka vodkas — sorry, oh my God, I mean vodka sodas.” By then, the girl is already tittering at him, and he’s blushing a bit and smiling, and she goes, “You already have a full drink, though,” pointing to his very full vodka soda.
And then this slightly sweaty, very flustered man finished a vodka soda in two gulps.
The girl and I exchanged a knowing look. That was so embarrassing, and so sweet. She left the bar with him an hour later.
Don’t Fumble Crunch Time
This is the time you have between ordering a round of drinks and actually saying cheers. It’s a crucial handful of seconds when a woman decides whether or not she is actually interested in you, or needs to find an excuse to ditch you right after you take your first sips. Make-or-break minutes, indeed.
Since I can’t feed lines to every socially-awkward man through a pair of Bluetooth headphones in real time (I would if I could), here are some tips based on what I’ve seen work, and not work.
Do: Lead the conversation, talk about her, try your best attempt at good-hearted humor, compliment something that isn’t about her face or body (so maybe clothes, accessories, the sound of her laugh, whatever), read body language.
DO NOT: Talk over her or steer the conversation into a specific direction (e.g., if you try to talk to her about her, but she makes it clear she wants to talk about you, just let it happen), do not refer to yourself as anything (do not call yourself a “nice guy” as it makes women think that you’re probably not a nice guy), and please, for the love of everything holy, don’t use this moment to workshop any “dark humor” that is probably not darkly funny but just, like, borderline-to-extremely offensive.
Wingmen Hold You Up
But a wingwoman helps you actually fly. Truthfully, any friend willing to help you do this is yet another endearing and generally successful play — women like to see when a man is liked. But in that same vein, having a wingwoman shows us two things:
- A female vouches for you. No small thing, that.
- You are able to maintain relationships with women that are not romantic, which shows that you value women on a level beyond what they can provide for you sexually.
One of the biggest barriers between men and women is that women don’t know who to trust right now, and as a consequence men feel like they’re constantly on the defensive. Having a wingwoman silently answers these fears on both ends, while also dissolving initial tension (at least better than any other line or move or tactic I can provide for you).
All right, that’s it. Consider yourself armed (with knowledge) and metaphorically dangerous (to the other, less knowledgeable men; not to women — women are going to love you). All that remains is your to-do: put on a nice outfit, grab some friends (preferably female ones), go to a bar, get mildly drunk and tell a woman she’s beautiful. You can change at least one girl’s life (mine) by bringing romance off the screens and injecting it back into reality.
Meet your guide
More Like This
The Charge will help you move better, think clearer and stay in the game longer. Subscribe to our wellness newsletter today.
