What We Can Learn From All These Famous Guys Who Suck at Sexting

Bad d*ck pics are an epidemic. Here’s how to do better.

By Walker Loetscher

 
What We Can Learn From All These Famous Guys Who Suck at Sexting
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30 August 2016

Let’s talk about sexts.

Namely, about how so many men in positions of public interest seem to be laughably bad at sending them without ending up on the cover of the New York Post.

The latest bonehead (and at this point, bad sexting’s de facto poster boy): Anthony Weiner, whose Wikipedia entry now includes the ignominious phrase “[his wife] Abedin announced that she was separating from [him] due to his continued repeated sexting.”

The former congressman’s latest transgression makes it a hat trick of sext-related scandals, and this one takes the cake in terms of both poor taste and execution; in one photo, Weiner’s son appears to be napping in the background while dad snaps an ab selfie for his mistress du jour.

So what can we learn here aside from the obvious (don’t cheat on your wife, don’t be a s*itty dad, etc.)? A lot, actually.

Here are five takeaways every aspiring d*ck-snapper can learn from the travails of Weiner and the rest of America’s bad sexting Hall of Fame (looking at you, Draymond Green, Brett Favre, Geno Smith et al.).

1. Know and trust the recipient of your sext
One in four people regularly share sexts with their friends, acquaintances or some dude on a bus who asked nicely to see them. Translation: don’t just send a picture of your netherlies to any old random number that inquires. And if you’re a celebrity who has had his laundry aired out by tabloid magazines on multiple occasions, your standards for trustworthiness should be especially rigorous. (It should also go without saying that you should never, under any circumstances, send an unsolicited sext. Consent, as in all sexual interactions, should be explicitly expressed.)

2. Keep the face and body separate
Plausible deniability: a legal defense one cannot use when every damning photo of him features his smirking punim right there in the frame for all to see and identify, a la Señor Weiner.

3. No shirtless mirror selfies
The mirror selfie is the Todd Phillips movie of sexts: predictable, uninspired and completely indistinguishable from every other sext she’s seen this year. You can do better than Geraldo Rivera.

4. No blurry, close-up dong shots
There’s just nothing sexy about the clinical, hyper-zoomed shot favored by Favre and Green (Google them if you must), waggling its face menacingly at the camera like some heel in a WWE promo. There’s no imagination. No personality. It could be your d*ck, but it could also be anyone else’s. Be coy. Be creative. Like all good foreplay, a good sext hints at what’s to come.

5. Don’t be a Luddite
A caveat to Rule 1: if you must send a sext to someone you are not sure you can trust, at least be smart about it. From Snapchat to self-destructing text tool Kaboom, there are means available for keeping messages discreet. Use them.

Now go forth and sext with confidence.

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