Happy National Park Week, people.
That means that through Sunday, entrance fees are waived at all 59 of our country’s wild, pristine and stupefying National Parks.
You should look up the nearest one and plan a visit posthaste.
And then you should prepare yourself to deal with this: the 50 worst people at your campsite, ranked.
Because all manner of scoundrel can be found in the woods, from litterers to “Instagram hikers” to that insufferable pill who keeps reminding you that he “used to be a Boy Scout.”
50. The guy just ahead of you on the trail blasting music out of his backpack
49. Anyone who burns their s'mores on purpose. Heathens.
48. The guy who believes in Bigfoot
46. The guy who brought a cocktail kit camping. It’s whiskey out of flask, dude.
45. “I know a shortcut.”
44. Mr. “Oh I think I’ll just casually set up a slackline here” guy
42. The guy who brings up the Hunger Games hypothetical because he's convinced he'd be the last one standing
41. The guy who just pitched his tent over low ground before a rainstorm
40. That friend who thinks hiking is a race
39. The guy who didn’t check the forecast
38. The surprised guy with with a shovel and no camping gear who exclaims "Oh wow ... I uh ... don't typically see too many people out this way. Just came out to ... uh ... you know ... dig some holes and stuff"
37. Winnebago Man
36. The guy who left food out aaaaand that’s a bear.
35. The guy who forgot to stake his tent
34. The guy wearing a backpack strewn with carabiners, compasses and assorted other technical dongles on a moderate day hike
33. The city slicker doubled over halfway up the trail in loafers and jeans
32. The guy who didn’t bring water and keeps asking you for yours
31. The guy who brought too much water and keeps offering it to you
30. "No really, I'm going to climb this tree. Watch.”
29. The guy convinced he’s walking into a bear ambush
28. “Is that poison ivy? Is that poison ivy? Is thaaat poison ivy?”
27. The guy who douses himself in enough bug spray for a small village (“They just love my scent!”)
26. The guy who didn’t pack any food because “we’ll acquire our dinner the old-fashioned way!”
25. Your friend who bought brand new hiking boots for the trip without breaking them in even though you warned him not to and now his feet are killing him
24. The guy who won’t let anyone else touch the fire
23. The guy who won’t leave the fire alone
22. The guy who eschews the trappings of a modern consumerist lifestyle in favor of "tramping" across America to weave for himself the rich tapestry of experience, friendship and human connection that had long eluded him, ultimately realizing his dream of communing alone with nature in the vast Alaskan wilderness, where he shoots a moose, gets bummed about it and dies in an old bus.
21. The guy with the acoustic guitar who doesn’t quite know how to play it
20. Instagram hikers
19. The guy who’s never set up camp before but refuses to accept your help
18. The guy who chose the site right next to you at the campground even though the whole place is empty
17. Downhill bikers who take the right-of-way without warning or apology
16. The guy playing music on a car stereo for the entire campsite at 2 AM
15. Mr. Wannabe Park Ranger who has to spit out factoids about every animal and trees he sees
14. Hikers who get mad at anyone in the group who isn’t keeping up the pace, small children and grandma included
13. Whoever left a bag of dog sh*t on the trail (Why use the bag?)
12. People who steal nature from parks
11. Drone guy
10. The couple having sex in the tent next to you who think they’re being quiet
9. The couple having sex in YOUR tent who think they’re being quiet
8. Tom Hardy in The Revenant
6. The guy who keeps humming the banjo from Deliverance
5. Ted Kaczynski
4. The guy on his phone the whole time
3. The one who thinks he’s in charge because he was a Webelo 30 years ago
1. These assholes: