One of those sidewalk interviewers once asked a slew of 20-somethings if they feared anything more than being alone with their own thoughts. Every single person responded with a resounding, terrified “No!” before one man, after chewing on it for a moment, replied: “Bears.”
Fear of loneliness — which goes by a surprising number of names: autophobia, isolophobia, eremophobia, monophobia — is distinct from loneliness itself. It’s the sense that no matter where you are (out in public, or within the comfort of your own home), you should take pains to make sure you don’t end up alone. After all, that’s when the dread begins to pump in: the anxiety, the feelings of inadequacy, the scrutinizing.
We’ve developed an almost rote tendency to make sure we don’t have to sit alone with our own thoughts. Remember at the beginning of Lady Bird, when Saoirse Ronan’s character tries to put on the radio the second she and her mother, each of them crying, have finished The Grapes of Wrath audiobook? Laurie Metcalf’s character slaps her hand away, muttering, “Let’s just sit with what we heard.”
Quiet introspection is hard, though. It’s difficult enough when weighing a hypothetical prompt, or sitting with company in the car. So how about when those prompts — which are often as cruel as they are random — are emitting from your brain, and you’re utterly alone?
Feeling Uninspired? It’s Time to Assign Yourself a Syllabus.
Pick a subject. Then line up a novel, podcast, film and trip to a museum.How to Get Better at Solitude
This is where one’s ability to “think for pleasure” can prove critical. Despite our unwillingness to give it the old college try (a 2021 study confirmed most of us don’t know how to turn being alone with our thoughts into a “meaningful and pleasant experience”), solitude is actually a very good idea.
According to an article in The Washington Post, “[S]pending time alone for just 15 minutes has a deactivating effect on our mood…it reduces high-energy emotions, both positive and negative, such as anxiety, anger and excitement. [It helps us feel] calmer and more peaceful.”
That’s valuable stuff, especially when you consider how much we spend on the meditation market. All those apps and classes are great, but thinking for pleasure could put you on the pathway to zen, too — and it’s completely free.
While this enterprise can feel a little hopeless (when given the choice, people invariably elect to do something in solitude; little wonder the podcast industry is worth billions of dollars) know that when we plan on enjoying our thoughts, we actually do end up enjoying them. It’s true.
A potentially helpful synonym to thinking for pleasure? “Active daydreaming.” Go out of your way, 15 minutes a day, to think about something that makes you happy. The rise-and-grind manifesters would probably encourage you to imagine yourself starting a company or finishing a marathon, and that’s fine, if that’s your thing, but you could also sit there and remember a nice day on vacation, or picture an old friend.
The fewer rules the better. In turn, thinking will feel like less of a chore. And being alone with your thoughts, hopefully, will start to feel like less of a nightmare.
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