Weekend Warrior

Your definitive guide to the next 48 hours and change

By Reuben Brody

Here, Guy. Have a Fantastic Weekend.
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15 July 2016

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda. Because you’ve had a rough week and the last thing you want to do is think. That’s what Monday is for.

Follow our lead. We’ve got you covered.

FRIDAY

5:00 P.M.
Punch out. Download the FOUND podcast for your commute. Every episode starts with a note that has been misplaced or wrongly addressed. Host Davy Rothbart’s objective: find the person who wrote the note.

5:30 P.M.
Stop at the store. Get everything you need to make the best breakfast sandwich ever.

5:45 P.M.
Pull into driveway. Notice trespassers on lawn. Scratch that; it’s just the neighborhood kids playing Pokémon Go. Chase kids off lawn.

5:50 P.M.
Order Nest’s new outdoor security system so you can address future Pokémon trespassings from your smartphone.

6:00 P.M.
Have a beer. You deserve it! Just don’t have one of these ridiculously calorie-laden beers that will soon be forced to print nutritional info on their labels thanks to a decree from the Beer Institute.

7:00 P.M.
Head to New Beverly Cinema for two noir flicks straight out of Quentin Tarantino’s private 35mm collection: Double Indemnity and Body Heat. Grab a drink afterward at Petty Cash.

SATURDAY

6:00 A.M.
Wake up early. Get some exercise, because exercise is a dish best served early.

7:30 A.M.
Make that breakfast sandwich.

8:00 A.M.
Begrudgingly download Pokémon Go.

8:08 A.M.
Uninstall Pokémon Go. Download this game (“Cards Against Humanity meets GIFs”) instead. Text group. Tell them to download it. Send crude GIFs to friends for rest of weekend.

8:30 A.M.
Put down your device, because the internet is slowly killing you.

9:00 A.M.
Boost your strength and flexibility at Y7 Yoga. You’ll work your core, ease any residual stress from the week and feel pretty good because you’ve done something good for yourself before the day is underway.

12:00 P.M.
Get a haircut. Losing your hair? Suck it up and go full MJ. It’s way less intimidating than you think.

1:00 P.M.
Head downtown to see the Current LA biennial, featuring various artists that’ll be working with waterways around town. Then head to Pop Obscure Records, a new record store specializing in deep cuts.

5:00 P.M.
Head to the Annenberg as Senegalese musician Baaba Maal headlines the second installment of KCRW’s Sound In Focus concert series. If you haven’t seen Maal live, go; his voice is otherworldly. Second, he’s sharing the stage with Classixx and Brazilian Girls, who are worth the price of admission by themselves. Oh wait, it’s free.

10:00 P.M.
Listen to music (we like “Fuck With Myself,” the new single by angsty R&B starlet Banks). Cook. Flirt with whoever you’re listening to music and cooking with.

11:45 P.M. to ? A.M.
Sex.

SUNDAY

7:00 A.M.
Exercise.

8:30 A.M.
You’ve earned a reward for yourself. Take it in the form of a braised pork belly and fried egg sandwich at Paper or Plastik.

9:00 A.M.
Watch the speech Lebron and co. delivered at the ESPYs about the importance of building stronger communities. Read about how rapper The Game and his son are doing exactly that. Identify a local organization or project you can get involved with to do the same.

10:00 A.M.
Follow Glaswegian artist Nick Smith’s, uh, cheeky Instagram. No, those aren’t butts. But they look like it.

11:00 A.M.
Turn your phone off and head to Venice Beach. Start at LEONA, because their shaded patio is ideal for kicking it and brunch comes with peach mimosas. After, walk a couple of blocks to the beach and find yourself a nice plot of sand.

3:00 P.M.
Take kids — or a date, or yourself — for ice cream, because it’s National Ice Cream Day.

5:00 P.M.
Buy new sneakers.

10:30 P.M.
Watch Vice Principals, HBO’s dark new comedy loosely based on star Danny McBride’s own experience returning to his hometown to teach.

11.00 P.M.
Come across news article about Ashley Madison’s rebranding project. Investigate further. Remember that this is the same site that felled a thousand marriages. Clear browser history. Call person responsible for “Saturday 9 P.M. to ? A.M.” Express love and gratitude.

Sleep.

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