Turkey Sucks. Here’s How to Save It.

Bacon-wrapped? Beer-can? Sous vide? Pick your poison.

November 17, 2016 9:00 am

Unpopular opinion: Thanksgiving is actually a terrible meal.

It’s a potluck that forcibly accepts a lot of bad family recipes (see: Aunt Hazel’s green bean whatever, Jell-O anything). The bird of choice is difficult, bland and dry. It’s carb heavy. No wonder we all drink for four hours beforehand.

But it really comes down those turkeys, man. Cook one of those, and you’re setting yourself up for failure.

So, we did a bit of research, and found seven ways to vastly improve America’s holiday bird. Grill, sous vide, deep fry and bacon options all included. 

What happens when you let a BBQ master near a turkey? You get bacon and jalapeño cornbread stuffed and smoked in a turkey breast. Via BBQ Guru and Robert “BBQ Bob” Trudnak.

Jive Turkey gets you deep-fried turkeys (15 flavors, including cajun, lemon pepper and Mexican mole) shipped overnight. They cook in 45 minutes. Crispier skin, juicier meat. Sadly, also a waitlist this year.

Ross on Friends crafted the ultimate post-Thanksgiving sandwich, the “Moistmaker.” And this video shows you how to make it.

Skip to dessert: this is Thanksgiving turkey cake. Relax … it’s vanilla cake and modeling chocolate. No gravy here.

Here, our favorite celeb chef, John Besh, joins Martha Stewart for a North-South T’giving collab called “Upside Down Turkey” (no Stranger Things connection, we promise). Roast the bird on buttered ciabatta bread, finish with a Creole oyster dressing.

Screw it, we’re gonna sous vide the f*cker.

Lot of recipes for beer-can turkey out there. We chose this one because they grill it outside and use a can of Foster’s, which basically serves as a gigantic middle finger to tradition. And this way, you don’t have to drink the Foster’s that some idiot brought.


Join America's Fastest Growing Spirits Newsletter THE SPILL. Unlock all the reviews, recipes and revelry — and get 15% off award-winning La Tierra de Acre Mezcal.