The Best Advent Calendars for Grown-Ass Children

Whisky! Sex toys! Socks! Exotic jerkies!

November 28, 2016 9:00 am

Before Elf on the Shelf was helping parents manipulate their children’s behavior each December in quasi-Orwellian fashion, there was the Advent calendar.

Are you going to be a good boy today? Great! Have a chocolate.

While that’s all well and good, we can’t help but think this whole affair would be a bit more fun if we joined our children in a show of solidarity … with the addendum, perhaps, of substituting the chocolate for a nip of Scotch.

Thanks to the 2016 Whisky Advent Calendar, just one of a new breed of advent calendars that are making the holiday season joyous for grownups, that dream is just a cardboard flap away.

Here’s a look at five other advent alternatives that’ll make your December 1st-24th merry and bright.

Jerky: Filled with dried-out pieces of alligator, buffalo, venison, elk and wild boar rendered in  flavors like honey bourbon and root beer habanero, the Jerky Advent Calendar even includes an “adventure fact” regarding each day’s date. So it’s educational and delicious.

Socks: Featuring 23 days (or nights) worth of cotton-blend socks embroidered with festive patterns befitting the season, Mr. Porter’s Sock Advent Calendar’s final flap contains a pair of cashmere-and-silk stockings that were custom designed for strutting about on Christmas Eve.

Craft Beer: Promising a very “Hoppy Christmas,” the Craft Beer Advent Calendar is bursting with 24 cans and bottles holding the best stouts, pilsners, lagers and IPAs that the top craft brewers in the country have to offer. Trust us, totally worth clearing out some fridge space for.  

Sex Toys: Packed with sex toys that have been handpicked by experts to provide (at least) 24 days of pleasure, the Lovehoney Sex Toys Advent Calendar is billed as being a “Big Box of Sexual Happiness.” Even if it’s not, the box has enough batteries to restock your utility drawer.

Pepper-Infused Vodka: You may not want to go through the “ordeal” of sampling the wares of the Naga Chilli Vodka Escalation Calendar yourself, but that doesn’t mean a friend, supervisor or arch-nemesis can’t give it a try. Keep the 240,000-scoville Xmas Eve shot away from Santa.


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