The 50 Worst People on Your Morning Commute, Ranked

Looking at you, Mr. Manspreader Pole-Hugger Groper Man

By The Editors
March 16, 2017 9:00 am

You know why that image of two strangers who shared a bottle of wine on a subway went viral?

Because it’s the exact opposite of the typical commuting experience.

The other 99-plus percent? A putrid, handsy world of manspreaders, pole-hoggers and assorted other miscreants, as detailed in our 50 worst people on your morning commute.

Everyone you cursed under your breath this morning? They’re in here.

50. People who talk on the train before 9 a.m.
49. Not the people getting into a fistfight — but rather, the teenager who’s narrating it for Snapchat
48. The girl doing yoga
47. Anyone coming home from a rave, house-painting session, paint run or knockoff Holi party. You can’t get on like that.
46. Anyone who reads the paper without doing the subway paper fold
45. People who announce, “EXCUSE ME, I’M GETTING OUT HERE” at the stop where everyone gets off
44. “Showtime” performers (exception: this person)
43. Anyone who finishes their Snapple bottle and puts it on the floor as if it isn’t going to fall over and roll up and down the aisle for the next hour
42. People who wait for the back door of the bus to open for them. It says PUSH right on it.
41. Too-much-perfume lady
40. Anyone whose long hair touches another person. Doubly so if said hair is beyond waist-length.
39. Mariachi bands at … well, anytime, but why always during hungover mornings?
38. The bus driver who nonchalantly tells you the bus you’re riding isn’t making all stops and will be turning around … at the moment it reaches its final spot
37. The guy sitting on a crowded train car leaning forward so that nobody can stand in front of him
36. Anyone who waits until the point of entry to fish for their card/tokens

35. People who don’t take off their backpacks on crowded trains
34. Anyone who mentions the word “lice”
33. The silent-but-deadly farter
32. The loud-but-deadly farter. You brazen motherf*cker.
31. Anyone trying to drink coffee out of a container without a lid
30. Anyone playing Candy Crush with the volume on
29. That person who stands up and tries to get off 30 seconds before the train/bus reaches the next station. Especially if getting up requires other people to move. I’ll be holding onto this strap until the train/bus comes to a complete stop, thank you very much.
28. The person with the world’s largest stroller. During rush hour.
27. People who stop in the stairwells for any reason: checking a phone, turning around, tying a shoe — no matter. There must be a better place.
26. Anyone eating food. Especially the pungent kind.
25. Anyone who blocks the doors and/or doesn’t move to the center while people are getting on and off
24. Anyone who tries to get on before all the exiters have gotten off
23. Anyone who moves slowly between transfer points. I’m glad you’re at your destination, but the rest of us are STILL COMMUTING HERE.
22. People who don’t help with the door when someone is half in/half out
21. People with more than two bags at rush hour
20. People who make extended eye contact

19. People who put their feet up on the seat of a commuter train
18. People who cough on their hands and then grab the poles again
17. The “sick passenger” who causes delays … Who are you? Were you sick when you got on board? Do I have to feel annoyance or guilt? Or both?
(Ed. note: Can we just pause to say that our favorite commuter is the person that has all their cell fonts in mega-large. God bless you, you hyperopic sonuvabitch. You always have the best text-message exchanges.)
16. Preachers
15. Guys who hit on girls on trains and/or buses
14. Whoever left the smell on the empty car that you just regrettably boarded.
13. That person taking your picture and tweeting about you but you’re not totally sure why
12. Anyone who doesn’t hold on to anything in order to look cool and then falls into others
11. Anyone Facetiming with their significant other. Get a room.
10. People making out. Get a room.
9. Mr. Pocket Pool. Get a room. Preferably in a prison.
8. Anyone playing music without headphones. Especially if he/she is singing along.
7. Pole leaners
6. Anyone who spits on the floor
5. Whoever vomited
4. Manspreaders
3. Anyone who doesn’t get up for old/pregnant people
2. Gropers
1. Whoever designed this commuter system in the first place. This is all your fault.

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