North Korean researchers recently announced the invention of a “golden pill” that cures obesity.
We can only assume the need for this miracle drug arose from the country’s obsession with hamburgers, which Kim Jong-il invented. While the domain of Kim Jong-un (or, say it while you can, Kim Fatty III) remains a mystery, their state-sponsored media continues to bring us news of all their glorious developments.
Here are the greatest inventions, breakthroughs and world records reported from the dark side of our planet.
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In a recent paper announcing their supposed cure for obesity, North Korean scientists wrote, “…the pill is believed to be superior to existing remedies of obesity or foreign pills or other means of treatment.” Translation: Foreign pills stink. Our pills are the best.
Back in January, the Pyongyang Times reported Taedonggang Foodstuff Factory created a liquor that “is suave and causes no hangover.” As it’s reserved for the country’s elite and only sold in North Korea, there’s no way for any of us to test that claim.
There is no agreed upon inventor of the hamburger, but we know the first patty was served sometime between 1880-1900. That didn’t stop Kim Jong-il from introducing his citizens to the “gogigyeopbbang,” or “double bread with meat,” in 2000, claiming he invented it.
In 2015, when South Korea was in the middle of a MERS (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome) epidemic, North Korea announced they developed a cure for it — and just about everything else (including cancer, AIDS, Ebola and epilepsy). Apparently they don’t plan on sharing it, because over a year later, there’s still no proof of its existence.
Thanks to Vice, we know Kim Jong-un loves basketball (or maybe just Dennis Rodman). But back in 2009, the San Diego Union-Tribune reported on his father’s love of the game, and his unique set of rules. These include “three points for a dunk, four points for a three-pointer that does not touch the rim and eight points for a basket scored in the final three seconds. Miss a free throw, and it’s minus one.”
When North Korea took on Apple in 2012, they touted “a next-generation device.” Turns out it wasn’t just an iPad knockoff, it was a rebranded Chinese iPad knockoff.
The Perfect Outfit
The state-run website Uriminzokkiri proclaimed that Kim Jong-il’s gray zip-suit was sweeping the fashion world in 2010. If North Koreans found that hard to believe, the article squashed all doubts by interviewing an “unidentified French fashion expert.”
The Greatest Round of Golf Ever Played
Kim Jong-il’s legendary first round of golf, coming in at 38-under par with five aces, has been debunked. Nonetheless, North Korean golf aficionados say he was “a staggering golf talent, possessed of an enchantingly rhythmic swing.”
The current FIFA rankings for men’s soccer place North Korea 126th in the world. But according to Ri Yu-il, a youth coach at the International Football School Pyongyang, soon they will have “super-talented players who can surpass Lionel Messi.” The World Cup can’t come soon enough.
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