The Men Who Date Women on OnlyFans Are Doing Just Fine
What sex workers and the people who date them want you to know about their relationships
It doesn’t take much effort to accidentally stumble into the dark, whorephobic corners of the internet.
Take “Women Posting Their L’s,” a gimmick Twitter account similar to various other meme accounts that posts screenshots of women on the internet exhibiting behaviors that might be construed as a “fail” or a “loss.” In reality, the account serves as a platform to harass women under the guise of a funny meme account. The account has bodyshamed women, attempted to discredit a woman posting about her car accident and often mocks and degrades women for having OnlyFans accounts. As other Twitter users have pointed out, the account is basically an incel gathering ground where you’ll find responses like this under posts about sex workers: “they wonder why they 30, no kids, no husband and no fulfilling dreams or aspirations.” Or musings about how difficult it is for sex workers to form “a healthy emotional bond with another human being.”
Meanwhile, on a Reddit advice forum for men, respondents recently debated how one user should feel about dating someone with an OnlyFans, and as you might have guessed, many of takes aren’t exactly enlightened:
“I’m sure there are other ways to make money or get your rocks that are less humiliating and demoralizing, but hey, you be you,” wrote one user. “You certainly have a moral compass that is 180° from mine, but ask yourself this question; if this was your daughter instead of your gf, would you be OK with it?” asked another. “I’d get a new gf. One that’s willing to contribute with actual work and skills, not just being everyone else’s gf.”
These sentiments all, again, fall under the umbrella of whorephobia, a term used to describe feelings of fear, hatred or prejudice toward sex workers. As polyamorous educator Tiana GlittersaurusRex told InsideHook in April, whorephobia is deeply internalized within individuals and society as a whole, and its effects can be found in everything from discrimination against sex workers by businesses to opinions like “I would never date a girl with an OnlyFans.”
Despite assumptions, misconceptions and beliefs by large swaths of society, in reality, many sex workers have deep, meaningful relationships and emotional connections. Just ask the people who date them.
Brett, whose ex-girlfriend used to work for AdultWork, a site where individuals can distribute and market their own adult products, services and content, is no stranger to these misconceptions. He tells InsideHook people have always questioned his motive for dating his ex, as if it’s unfathomable for a person to want to have a sincere relationship with a sex worker. “The most common misconception about me, and other men that date sex workers, is that we are in it for the money. Presuming we are only with them for the revenue they bring in, without any consideration to what we/I do for a living. I run my own business and actually make more money than she used to,” he explains.
According to Dan,* whose partner is an OnlyFans producer and sex worker, the inability to form a healthy, emotional bond with someone who participates in sex work is a fallacy he runs into with regularity.
“I think some people believe that it impacts the emotional connection and it is not possible to have a relationship whilst someone is working in the sex industry. I personally think that it comes down to communication — asking questions, communicating what you are thinking and being 100% honest with one another,” he tells InsideHook. “I think that people with issues [about sex work] sometimes have inner issues which they are projecting. I think taboos also come into play. Some people are really prudish, shameful and hung up on sex, whereas sex is in our core DNA and it’s about the acceptance of that.”
Obviously, all of these issues can be traced back to the ways in which sex — and especially sex as commerce — are demonized by society at large.
“I think people can make misguided assumptions about sex work because they are hung up on their own expressions of sexuality,” professional dominatrix Miss Eva Oh tells InsideHook. “It isn’t entirely their fault. Society, political systems and the religions that have fueled them did the heavy lifting — and now they carry the burden of it as individuals,” she says, adding that if people broadened their own definitions of sexuality, they would more readily understand sex work and the relationships sex workers have as well.
Those who pass judgment fail to understand the personal and professional boundaries of sex work. According to Brett, it begins with accepting the simple fact that sex work is just that: work. “I think people being intimate — even virtually and just for a job — still rankles with people who can’t separate the personal from the professional,” says Brett. “It is just a job to her, and I feel a woman’s choice has to be respected. It pays the bills, is not strenuous and gives her plenty of free time for her hobbies and to look after her daughter.”
Ultimately, internet trolls and those with their own hang-ups about sex work and sexuality will keep spewing their whorephobic nonsense into the void. Sex workers and their partners, meanwhile, will continue to live their truths, know their worth and push past the nonsense.
“When I do come across men who express hesitance to date me because of sex work, I realize that there are inadequacies that are their own and have nothing to do with the person I have built myself into,” says Mistress Eva. “I am someone who has done the work to be as self-aware, financially independent and ready to love and be loved as I am — and I deserve nothing less than someone who can meet me in these traits with grand enthusiasm.”
*Name has been changed for the sake of anonymity
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