10 Things I Learned About Men While Waxing Their Privates for Five Years

Yes, it will look bigger afterward.

December 12, 2016 9:00 am

Being an esthetician was an excellent source of income when I was in college.

But no one tells you when you sign up for the job that it’s not all lovely smelling potions and free botox. It’s dicks. Literal dicks. A lot of them. In fact, when I tallied up the sum total of how many nether regions I had seen at the end of my esthetic stint, it turned out they could fill a Super Bowl stadium.

And I learned a great deal about men. If you’re considering hair removal — or just morbidly curious — here are the 10 things I can tell you on the matter.

  1. It is true. Men’s pain tolerance is lower than women’s. Much lower. I have watched men writhe in pain and shout aloud over the same thing a woman won’t bat a lash at. It is going to hurt. Expect that. Try not to be a little bitch about it.
  2. You might get an erection. It happens to a lot of men. It doesn’t mean you’re a perv, it means that an attractive (or so I like to fancy myself) woman is handling your junk. It will embarrass you more than me. And I assure you it will go away once the waxing commences.
  3. It is completely inappropriate to talk about anything sexual or relationship-oriented during the process. You would think that this is a given, but somehow it’s not. It’s also not OK to try to eat an ice cream cone while getting waxed. I will take it away from you and throw it in the trash. It can wait.
  4. There will be blood. But just a little bit.
  5. Yes, it will look bigger afterward.
  6. Yes, I have a boyfriend.
  7. No, I don’t think women find this more attractive. I don’t know what type of women you date. But regardless, you should be doing it because you’re into it. Absolutely no one should ever be telling anyone what to do with their damn hair down there. It’s personal.
  8. All sorts of men get waxed. Big, small, young, old, married, straight, gay and everything in between.
  9. You can and should also wax your balls and your butt. It’s not embarrassing and actually less painful than the rest of the job. And if you’re wondering how one goes about waxing balls, you spread them out, kind of like a bat wing.
  10.  If there is one person you want to be nice to on that day, it’s the very polite person applying hot wax to your scrotum. I didn’t have the power to make it less painful, but I did have the power to make it very, very quick. So, don’t be a dick.

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