The Artemis II Astronauts Are…So Hot??

The new crew isn’t the only thing about to blast off

Artemis II Astronauts in their spacesuits
The official crew portrait for Artemis II is smokin'

In addition to the sound barrier, NASA broke a few glass ceilings today when it introduced the world to the first woman and first Black astronauts ever to be sent on an American lunar mission, which will be rocketing to the moon in November 2024. All over Twitter, scientists and space nerds cheered the announcement, sharing little snapshots about the Artemis II crew, made up of an engineer, two Navy veterans and a former Canadian Air Force colonel. But amidst all the fanfare and excitement, the shattering of a third, and arguably more important, glass ceiling has been overlooked. No, I’m not talking about the first-time inclusion of a Canadian (sorry, neighbors) — I’m talking about something that nobody thought could be done. In an unprecedented move from NASA, all four of the astronauts who make up the Artemis II crew bound for the moon are not only brilliant and brave, they are also all extremely hot.

Christine Koch, Victor Glover, Jeremy Hansen and Reid Wiseman will all be heading into space together next fall with more than one thing in common: they’re all astronauts, they’re all in their mid-to-late 40s, and they all make me want to say things like, “That orange jumpsuit looks good on you, but it would look even better on my floor.” How astro-naughty of me. The inclusion of not one but four supremely hot astronauts in an American lunar mission represents a major milestone, not just for the science community or even the American public, but for smart, hot people everywhere who want to be known both for their intelligence and their bafflingly good looks. 

For anyone in need of convincing, Reuters shared a video that leaves no question about the sex appeal of these four. It opens on a clip that looks more like a trailer for a new reality dating show than a NASA announcement. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Love Island (I have), but I was half expecting them to strip down to their bathing suits and slather themselves in zero gravity peanut butter.

The “Space Salad” That Astronauts Eat to Stay in Shape
It includes hearty ingredients like sweet potato, peanuts and barley

The Artemis II crew has a 10-day itinerary awaiting them in space, wherein they will journey around the moon, but not land on it, to ensure that all of the spacecraft’s “life-support apparatus and other systems will operate as designed with astronauts aboard in deep space,” according to Reuters. Think of it as some light, astral edging. Over the course of six Apollo missions that began in 1969 (ow ow) with Neil Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, 12 NASA astronauts have set foot on the moon, all of them white men, and very few of them hot. Reuters reports that if Artemis II succeeds, NASA plans to “follow a few years later with an unprecedented landing on the moon’s south pole with astronauts, one of them a woman, on Artemis III.” No details about the attractiveness of those astronauts were made available at this time, but given what we’ve seen with the crew on Artemis II, I’m certain the next group of explorers will know how to work that (south) pole.

The ultimate goal of the Artemis program is to return astronauts to the moon’s surface in the next several years, which will support the human exploration of Mars. As we prepare for our inevitable colonization of Mars and other bodies, scientists are still trying to figure out the best way to have sex in space — a challenge (but, crucially, not an impossibility) because blood tends to flow up into the chest and head in microgravity. Perhaps Artemis II will return with some useful tips and tricks?

To be clear, hot people have gone to space before. Some of space’s hottest visitors to date include Robert Curbeam, the first person to spacewalk outside a spacecraft four times during a single mission, and Italy’s first woman in space, Samantha Cristoforetti. But this latest crew assembled by NASA of exclusively hot hotties gives sexy-smart people everywhere hope — because what may be just one small step for man is truly a giant leap into mankind’s pants.

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