Actual Bionic Man to Suffer Two-Week Erection for Science

The price you pay for a prosthetic penis, apparently

January 26, 2017 9:00 am

Say “Bionic Man” to someone over the age of 40, and Oscar Goldman’s words come to mind: “We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better, stronger, faster.”

He forgot to mention the two-week erection.

Andrew Wardle, an Englishman born without a penis (due to an extremely rare, 20-million-to-one medical condition), recently had a bionic member fashioned for him out of arm muscle and nerve tissue. But to “turn it on,” Wardle (pictured below) will have to endure a two-week erection. 

In an interview with Wardle, ITV’s Phillip Schofield proved that the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on dumbass television hosts. Pointing to the patient’s bicep, the morning show presenter asked him, “Were you not tempted to say take it up to there?”

Over a hundred surgeries aside, don’t feel too bad for Wardle: the 44-year old, who says he’ll stay inside during his two-week condition, claims to have slept with 100 women without a functioning member. He’s also spry enough to chastise Mohammad Abad, a British man who had the same bionic technology installed in 2012 … and later lost his virginity to a sex worker and, more recently, discussed dating a sex robot.

“This is a taxpayer-funded operation — the money spent on it was not so he could sleep with a prostitute,” he said. “Mohammed now says he wants sex with a robot but people in a similar situation might think life is not worth living. You have a responsibility to others in situations like these.”

A hard debate, to say the least.

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