Sex & Dating | May 5, 2021 11:07 am

This Study on Nose Size and Penis Length Turned Out to Be a Lot More Disturbing Than I Anticipated

A recent study found a link between nose size and penis size, but researchers had to do some dark things to arrive at that conclusion

close of up of muppet Gonzo
In related news, turns out many beloved children's characters have pretty phallic noses.
Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images

You know what they say about big noses.

Or maybe you don’t, because up until yesterday, people didn’t really say much about big noses at all, because calling attention to them is typically considered kind of rude. Thanks to a recent study popularized by a viral New York Post article, however, a big nose may now be seen as a point of pride for certain penis-having individuals. Why? Because what people are saying about big noses is what they used to say about big feet, if you catch my drift.

The Post article citing a Japanese study that linked big noses to big penises inevitably made the rounds on Twitter yesterday, inspiring a number of tweets featuring Gonzo, Squidward, Pinocchio, that big brown elephant thing from Sesame Street (editor’s note: Snuffleupagus) and various other large, sometimes questionably phallic-nosed characters from children’s media, of which there seem to be many.

Scrolling through this childhood-tainting celebration of big-beaked children’s characters and their implied genitals, I assumed the story behind it was standard Post penis fare. But when I finally got around to actually reading the article a day later like the dedicated sex writer I am, I was greeted by something far more disturbing than the Post‘s typical smattering of heavy-handed penile puns and euphemisms (though those were there, too — “Tallywacker” being a standout example). Behind all the memes and tweets, the article actually gives an unflinchingly detailed account of an unexpectedly dark study and how it was conducted, which involved measuring the penises of several corpses.

According to the Post, scientists “examined the bodies of 126 recently deceased middle-aged men, measuring everything from the cadavers’ height and weight to the circumference and length of their flaccid members.”

But if you — probably a grower not a shower — are wondering how much can really be gleaned about a man’s penis size by measuring one that is flaccid and will now remain so for the rest of eternity, don’t worry, this whole thing gets much worse. In order to “approximate the measurements of subjects’ manhood when erect,” scientists reportedly laid each “stiff” down (get it?) and “extend[ed] the willy up as high as it would go.”

Congrats to the Post on managing to work a “stiff” pun into that extremely disturbing visual, but also: What the actual fuck? Is this what happens when you donate your body to science? Why was this allowed to occur? Like, I understand that sometimes it is probably necessary to engage with the genitals of a deceased individual for the sake of science, but investigating how dick size compares to nose size hardly seems like the kind of Nobel Prize-winning research that warrants stretching out a dead man’s penis to simulate an erection.

Regardless, this extremely jarring study found that corpses with 2.2-inch noses had an average penis length of 5.3 inches, while those with noses smaller than 1.8 inches had penises measuring up to 4.1 inches long. As the Post notes, this study has some obvious limitations … such as the fact that its only subjects were literally dead Japanese men.

Anyway, now seems like a good time for yet another friendly reminder that penis size literally does not matter and we should probably stop talking about it altogether, because clearly things are getting pretty dark.