Top Bum

By The Editors
June 6, 2014 9:00 am

Tom Cruise tends to play assholes. This is known.

Charlie Babbitt. Frank T.J. Mackey. Lestat de Lioncourt. Seriously, the dude’s a smithy of the a-hole arts. He’s got a-hole range.

So today, on the occasion of Edge of Tomorrow’s premiere, we celebrate that thespianic range with The Tom Cruise Scale of A-hole-ish-ness.

Now, the scale is not a ranking of Tom Cruise the person’s personality. Don’t know him. Actually seems like an OK dude, maybe.

Rather, The Tom Cruise Scale of A-hole-ish-ness ranks Cruise’s characters by their moral turpitude.

Take Lestat in Interview With the Vampire. Excellent movie! But: Lestat killed babies and kept a little girl as an eternally pre-pubescent undead companion. That’s definitely top a-hole.

Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia? Another excellent film. But: Frank was a misogynist. So he’s an a-hole, but down a few pegs from Lestat.

At this point, some people might defend the mild a-hole-itude — and supposed high quality of — Jerry Maguire. Your editor is not one of those people. That movie is meh, and it’s because Jerry wasn’t a big enough jerk.

Instead, give us Tom Cruise at his darkest (Collateral). His smuggest (Magnolia). His fattest/angriest (Tropic Thunder).

It’s the Tom Cruise we love. And deserve.

Without further ado, enjoy The Tom Cruise Scale of A-hole-ish-ness.

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