Unless you were a bitcoin early adopter, 2017 probably felt like the Gregorian equivalent of getting hit with an aluminum bat.
Lucky for you, we’ve got just the remedy: literally hitting things with an aluminum bat.
Chicago’s first “Rage Room” just opened in River North.
Long story short: you BYO things to break, they let you channel Cameron Frye in exchange for a $15 entry fee.
The space — which also rents out escape rooms — will supply you with protective jackets and helmets to keep your body safe, along with sledgehammers, baseball bats and golf clubs to make sure nothing else is. Not to mention: the hosts will honor your choice of tunes, as well as sell you plates, monitors and other fun snacks for immediate demolition.
We believe you should take full of their advantage BYO policy, though. Perhaps there’s an infuriating printer in the basement closet that really liked to pick on you in 2004. Or maybe you don’t know what to bring — in which case, we’ve got you covered. Here are five carefully selected items that deserve your full fury in the Rage Room.
Fidget Spinners
It’s an innocuous piece of spinning plastic. Entertaining for about five minutes? Sure. Deserving of its own impassioned subculture? No. Buy a pack of these babies in bulk and throw yourself a little BP.
DVDs
Not just any DVDs. Bring a season of House of Cards or a season of Louie, along with copies of your least favorite flicks produced by The Weinstein Company. Senseless acts of sexual assault deserve senseless annihilation. And after you’re done, here’s a list of ways you can help for real.
Chicago Sports Paraphernalia
We’re approaching Christmas and the Bears and Bulls have combined for 14 wins. That calls for some catharsis. Sheesh. We recommend some Christmas ornaments, or better yet, this zombie bobblehead. Good practice for the apocalypse.
MAGA Swag
Let’s not beat around the (Billy) bush. No human being has caused more collective aggravation in America this year than the wig-topped grapefruit running it. Head to Amazon to scope out some MAGA gear; mugs and glassware figure to be the most satisfying.
Dibs Chairs
We’ve all been there. You’d prefer to park somewhere closer to the holiday party up the block, but some smug snow shoveler’s claimed a patch of concrete for posterity … with a chair you’re about to teach some manners. (Editor’s note: Don’t actually steal chairs from your neighbors.)
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