How to Hook Up With a Bridesmaid

Without incurring the bride's everlasting wrath

August 19, 2016 9:00 am

Forget about Tinder. The best place to find a bunch of single women all in one place is at a wedding. Better yet, you already have people in common to talk about, love is in the air, and there’s free booze. Meanwhile, although we wouldn’t presume to speak for every single bridesmaid, let’s say that a clear plurality are at least nominally open to the idea of meeting a nice single guy such as yourself.

Here then, your five-step guide to seducing a bridesmaid while still remaining in the bride’s good graces.

Step One: Play the long game. Every wedding has that one guy who boorishly inquires about the hotness of the bridesmaids. Don’t be that guy, because if you look like a randy horndog, even the flower girl will know to avoid you. Do your own research about the bride’s cute friends/relatives (and their relationship statuses) the old-fashioned way: social media stalking. If you’re lucky, the bride and groom will have made one of those wedding websites introducing everyone in the bridal party. That way, the bride-to-be never needs to know you’re scoping out her sister.

Step Two: Make yourself useful. Weddings are fraught with landmines that always seem like a big deal in the moment but rarely are. Think like a bridesmaid and try to envision all the things that could go wrong: running mascara, blistery feet, ripped dresses, broken heels, falling updos. (Yes, it’s like prom night all over again.) Be prepared with a few Band-aids, a packet of tissues, and safety pins in your pocket so you can swoop in and save the day when one of these snafus inevitably occur. You’ll be known as the guest whose quick-thinking with a safety pin saved Katie’s boob from popping out during the photos. Not only is this the decent thing to do, but it’ll ingratiate you with all the bridesmaids in the best possible way.

Step Three: Do not get wasted. We repeat, do not get wasted. This advice may seem counterintuitive but in the pursuit of a one-night stand, an open bar is your enemy. There’s a big difference between “pleasantly lubricated” and “one-man conga line,” and remember, nobody wants to hook up with the sloppy drunk. If you’re a groomsman, you’re are already going to look silly enough during that dance the entire bridal party choreographed, so pace yourself with glasses of water, tiger. (And if the lady you have your eye on is seeing double, get her some of water, too. The other bridesmaids will thank you.)

Step Four: Slow dance. Yes, you’ve got to slow dance. Look, anyone can show her a good time flailing wildly to “Anaconda,” but slow dancing is a super-intimate way to get your bodies close. Ask her, “May I have this dance?” and if she doesn’t melt into the a puddle on the spot, steer her around the floor like you’re Colin fucking Firth. Also, try not to freak out about how much you are sweating after “Shout.” She’s probably sweating, too. It’s just harder to see on chiffon.

Step Five: Ask her back to your place. After you’ve seen off the bride and groom, it’s time to make your move on your bridesmaid of choice by inviting her back to your hotel room for another drink. She’s probably exhausted after a long day of making small talk in painful shoes, so a relaxing nightcap will sound mighty fine. Then again, you’ve had plenty, and she likely has as well. Open a bottle of wine, then set it out to breathe. Meanwhile, dim the lights and have at it. You did bring condoms, didn’t you?

The morning after: Make sure to squire your bridesmaid safely back to her place, whether she leaves at 4 a.m. after a romp in the hay or much, much later when housekeeping is banging on the door. At this juncture, discretion is key: You do not need to be texting anyone to announce you just defiled one of the bride’s friends—or vice versa—especially not if you’re going to see this person again at a post-wedding brunch. Swap numbers, or not, but be a gentleman from start to finish because the gossip will get back to the bride and groom.

And who knows? Maybe the next wedding your friends hook up at will be yours.

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