Beware Nick, the "Sexually Aggressive" Dolphin

There are many potentially dangerous sea creatures of which humans should be wary when trespassing in their natural habit on beach trips and vacations. For beach-goers in the U.K., these potential threats to watch out for now include a horny dolphin named Nick, who seems to have a thing for interspecies humping.

U.K. officials are reportedly warning swimmers to stay away from Nick, a “sexually aggressive” bottlenose dolphin who was filmed getting up close and personal with unsuspecting swimmers in Hayle Harbour, Cornwall, last week. The footage, shot by British Divers Marine Life Rescue, shows the dolphin splashing water at swimmers and “performing tricks like an impromptu Sea World dolphin show,” according to the New York Post.

Sounds innocent enough, but as TV naturalist Chris Packham told the Sun, “There is a chance this dolphin could be loved-up and confused.” To be fair, who among us has not, at one time or another, been a little horny and confused? Unfortunately, it seems confused dolphin horn can be dangerous when humans are the target.

Dan Jarvis of British Divers Marine Life Rescue captured the footage while responding to a report of a dolphin buddying up to humans. After the dolphin began saucily thrashing his tail at his new human friends, one of which reported that he felt “something nudging him from below,” the rescuers decided to take Nick back out to sea.

“After a little while it became obvious that the dolphin’s behavior was escalating and becoming more erratic, so we were very concerned that someone would get injured,” explained Jarvis.

“Dolphins play with interesting things in the water, and this can include people,” said Packham, comparing Nick’s confusion to that of a lost human ending “up in the middle of a herd of elephants.” Seems like an odd comparison to me, honestly, because if I were lost in a herd of elephants, I feel like trying to fuck them wouldn’t be high on my list, but what do I know.

Anyway, this is far from the first example of interspecies sex involving humans and dolphins. Lest we ever have an opportunity to forget Malcolm Brenner and his haunting 2010 memoir Wet Goddess, in which he recounts his sexual love affair with a dolphin in the 1970s, the creatures continue to demonstrate a tendency to occasionally hump humans.

Ultimately, while I cannot condone interspecies romance, I can hardly blame Nick for his amorous proclivities. After all, we’re all a little horny and confused sometimes.