Handsome movie star Orlando Bloom recently revealed that even though he’s a handsome movie star, he’s still not having enough sex. This can be deduced by a brief but straightforward answer the actor gave to a very straightforward question posed by a reporter for the Guardian. Asked, “How often do you have sex?” Bloom replied simply, “Not enough — we just had a baby, though.”
“We” presumably refers to Bloom and his fiancée, pop star Katy Perry, who welcomed daughter Daisy Dove Bloom back in August. Since the interview published over the weekend, news that an attractive Hollywood couple like Bloom and Perry are experiencing a problem familiar to many new parents has become the talk of the town. Stars, they go through post-natal sexual dry spells just like us!
But despite the seeming transparency of Bloom’s answer and the buzz it’s generated, the star’s brief comment tells us a lot less about his sex life with Perry than we might assume. All we know is that Bloom isn’t having as much as sex as he thinks he should be, but just how much sex that is remains a mystery. We don’t know how much sex Bloom is or is not having; we don’t know how much sex Bloom thinks he should be having; nor do we know the metrics by which Bloom has established that expectation. Is he not having “enough” sex to satiate his own sexual appetite, Perry’s or both? Or, alternatively, is he not having what he believes to be “enough” sex based on societal expectations of what a healthy relationship should look like? We don’t know, and it’s likely we never will know, because Bloom’s interviewer neglected to ask any of these critical follow-up questions. Fortunately, I’ve already wasted the better part of today thinking about this, and have come up with a few possible ways we might interpret Bloom’s comment.
1. Orlando Bloom isn’t having as much sex as he would like to be having because he and his fiancée just had a baby
The most obvious interpretation here is that Bloom would like to be having more sex, but isn’t because his fiancée recently gave birth to a living, screaming, helpless infant and probably isn’t that into the idea of having sex right now. This explanation fits neatly into a certain social script — however dated and misogynistic it may be — with which many of us are familiar, and which probably informed our immediate reaction to Bloom’s comment. According to heteronormative stereotypes, the typical post-natal trajectory of a heterosexual couple’s sex life usually goes a little something like this: man and woman have baby, their sex life rapidly deteriorates, and it’s probably the woman’s fault for prioritizing her own health/comfort/child over her husband’s sexual needs. In this case, a common reaction to Bloom’s comment would be outrage at the actor for reinforcing this problematic narrative and failing to give Perry adequate post-natal space, but before we unbridle our feminist rage, let’s consider a few other possible interpretations.
2. Orlando Bloom isn’t having “enough” sex because he and Perry just had a baby and are both tired from the demands of new parenthood
While, according to the post-natal sex narrative outlined above, the woman often bears the blame for any decrease in a couple’s sex life post-baby, we know that the demands of new parenthood can tax both new mothers and fathers. It’s possible that, despite being wealthy celebrities who probably have professional help, both Perry and Bloom are exhausted by parenthood and simply don’t have it in them to bang like they used to.
3. Orlando Bloom isn’t having “enough” sex because Katy Perry wants to be having more sex
Again, while we tend to assume Bloom’s comment implies Perry’s sex drive is lacking, that could just be our own internalized sexism showing. Maybe Bloom is the one failing to live up to Perry’s expectations, and his comment is his acknowledgment that he’s actually not having enough sex by his fiancée’s standards.
4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry are actually having lots of sex, but it still isn’t “enough” because Bloom is so infatuated with his fiancée that no amount of sex could ever satisfy him
While Page Six suggests Perry “might not be thrilled” to hear Bloom’s take on their sex life, it’s possible the actor’s apparent sexual dissatisfaction is actually a complimentary display of unquenchable desire for his beloved. Again, Bloom’s answer gives us no indication as to how often the couple is actually getting it on. It’s possible these two are actually having sex multiple times a day, seven days a week, but that still isn’t “enough” for Bloom because he’s just that into Perry. Honestly, “not enough” seems better than “enough” when it comes to a review of one’s sex life. After all, what is it to be satiated if not to no longer desire? The fact that Bloom says he isn’t having “enough” sex with Perry suggests that he wants to be having more of it, which actually seems a lot better than the alternative. Want necessarily implies lack; to want something, by definition, is to not have it. It is my personal hope that these two attractive celebrities are never having “enough” sex, because to have enough of something means you can no longer want it, and that is the central tragedy of the human condition. Anyway, I hope Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are having a lot of sex, and always want to be having more of it.
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