They Say This Heinous SUV Will ‘F*ck Rolls-Royce Big Car’

Meet the automotive equivalent of a Russian playground bully

October 13, 2016 9:00 am

Are you filthy rich? If not, we implore you to pretend for a moment while allowing us to play your highness’s counsel.

First order of business: if you’re in the market for that new Bugatti or Lambo — wait.

Because the mad geniuses at exceedingly unsubtle Russian car company DARTZ have revealed that they are coming out with two new makes: the Prombron Black Shark and the Prombron Black Alligator. No photos have been released of the newcomers yet. But for reference, that’s their previous Shark above. So that, but more obvious. If that’s possible.

Here’s the buzz photo they’re circulating to the press (annotation Jalopnik’s, not theirs):

What we do know about the new SUVs: they will be based on Mercedes-Benz GLS AMG 63s, except upgraded to 760 horsepower and 885 lb-ft of torque. There will be two version of each: armored or not. The Black Shark is built with a focus on customers who will be driven around, while the Black Alligator is built for those who prefer the driver’s seat. A more conceptual description of the makes comes from Leonard Yankelovich, DARTZ RFE (Responsible For Everything), who, in an interview with Jalopnik subsidiary Truck Yeah!, eloquently stated that the vehicles “will f*ck Rolls-Royce big car before it will be born.”

Above, behold a photo of the keybox, which based on the design of the pressurized sphere that held the flight data recorder of a Soyuz spacecraft. The interior will be upholstered with no less than 18 alligators and two stingrays, according to Yankelovich. And an attendant apparel line featring bracelets, bags, jackets and more will also be available in shark, alligator and stingray. To which Yankelovich added, “As you can notice all skins used for apparel are The Whale enemies – so Boobed Leader of Green Peace can sleep well :-).”

From what we can gather, the makes are limited to a run of 50, with approximately half already sold. 

As your counsel, we strongly advise you to head over to Jalopnik for a glance at the 292-diamond encrusted seal at the center of the wheel and more of Yankelovich’s “articulate” descriptors of the opulent steeds.

We do not advise you to give him your business, however.

Win the Ultimate Formula 1® Miami Grand Prix Experience

Want the F1 experience of a lifetime? Here’s your chance to win tickets to see Turn 18 Grandstand, one of Ultimate Formula 1® Miami Grand Prix’s most premier grandstands!