Gear | March 13, 2017 9:00 am

How a $4,000 Pocketknife Became the Butt of 4,000 Jokes

In which Amazon reviews the 87-tool Swiss Army knife. Harshly.

Rhetorical question: Do you really need a $4,000 Swiss Army knife with 141 different functions — including shoe spike wrench and laser pointer — that’s about the size of a football?

Let’s just take joy in its mere existence. 

In the time-honored tradition of calling out bullshit products, Amazon reviewers have spent years trolling customers who look up the Wenger 16999, a Swiss Army knife that serves no purpose beyond useless spectacle.

“Can we see a photo of this knife in the closed position?” asks one reviewer in the product’s Q&A. Answer? “No. Unfortunately, closing the knife brings too much mass into one location causing the formation of a small black hole. This is not covered by the warranty.”

As for the 624 reviewer comments? Priceless.

“Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I’d have known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl.”

“Surprising results! I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice.”

“It asked me if I knew where Sarah Conner was.”

“I found the large hadron collider to be particularly useful on long hikes.”

Speaking of wormhole, if you want to waste a half hour with smart-ass Amazon reviews, may we suggest:

  • Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer: “No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.”
  • Tuscan Whole Milk: (The amused vitriol on milk earned an entire New York Times article): “Not compatible with IOS7!”
  • BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen: “I’d really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father’s or husband’s permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions.”)

You can find more reviews here and here.

(H/t Gear Junkie)