“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
Sage advice from Homer Simpson.
But, hey, try we must — in this case, to watch all 552 episodes of “The Simpsons," running in chronological order from 10 a.m. tomorrow through Labor Day on FXX.
Good news is we’ve got a plan.
To wit: How to Watch “The Simpsons” Marathon in Five Steps.
1. Click on this chart.
This is your Simpsons roadmap to bathroom breaks, naps and dinnertime (“the perfect break between work and drunk”).
The gist: avoid best-of episodes, most music celebrity cameos (Baha Men, Lady Gaga) and the majority of shows past season 11.
2. Catch these five.
Best musical (“Monorail!”), best cameo (Leonard Nimoy), best use of Phil Hartman (RIP). (Aug. 22, 9 p.m.)
Slideshow Bob’s apex, one of the better movie parodies and a spectacularly random use of Gilbert & Sullivan. (Aug. 23, 3 a.m.)
“I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.” Kent Brockman is the man. (Aug. 23, 9:30 a.m.)
Springfield undergoes Prohibition. Contains Homer’s perfect toast: “To alcohol — the source of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” (Aug. 24, 11 p.m.)
The first five minutes are a perfect dissection of soccer ... from America’s point of view. The last 25 minutes are an excellent, multifaceted argument on gun control. (Aug. 25, 5 a.m.)
3. Pick Random Times to Nerd Out
Creator Matt Groening took his name off one episode: a crossover with short-lived cartoon The Critic. (Aug. 23, 10 p.m.)
Due to an explosive plot point and 9/11, the rarely-seen “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson” (Aug. 25, 3 a.m.) was pulled from syndication for years.
Famous recluse Thomas Pynchon appears, with permission, in three episodes. (First one: Aug. 28, 3 a.m.)
4. Buy Some Merch
“I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.” — Lisa Simpson
Does that include a figurine of R.E.M’s Peter Buck from his season 13, episode three cameo? Homer and Yao Ming mini figurines? A jumbo plush Bart (with sound!)? All new. All ... kind of mortifying .
5. Wait Until October
FXX will run all 24 episodes of the annual “Simpsons” Halloween anthology, “Treehouse of Horrors,” starting October 26th.
The same month sees the debut of the free “Simpsons World” app, all 552 episodes in tow.
Unpossible not to watch.