The “Poop Tool” Calculator Will Tell You How Long Your Toilet Paper Hoard Will Last

Your stash will last longer than you think

toilet paper calculator
How long till you hit cardboard on your last roll?
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By Kayla Kibbe / March 24, 2020 12:51 pm

A mere month ago we were telling you about nifty online calculators that can help predict when you’ll meet the love of your life. But that was in a distant, pre-coronavirus lifetime, and now novelty internet calculators are just about shitting.

The Poop Tool is an online calculator that estimates how long your toilet paper hoard will last in quarantine, based on average use. By adjusting for total number of household members and how many rolls of toilet paper you have on hand, the calculator will tell you about how long your stash will last, which, as the Poop Tool’s creator hope’s you’ll see, is probably longer than you think.

“The outbreak caused global chaos in supermarkets and grocery stores, especially when it comes to toilet paper,” Dmytro Spilka, the Poop Tool’s London-based creator, told Vice’s Samantha Cole. “The main purpose of the tool is to help people realize (in an interactive way) that they don’t actually need that much toilet paper to survive the quarantine, thereby allowing others, more vulnerable people to shop normally.”

The site bases its estimates on the average daily fecal output of healthy humans, which it puts at a little over 400 grams, or one and a half cups. And while that output may vary significantly from person to person depending on health, diet and a variety of other factors, Vice previously pointed out that fecal weight doesn’t really determine toilet paper usage anyway, as “the heft of your dumps does not necessarily relate to the power of your wipage.”

But while the Poop Tool may not be an exact science, its estimates should be enough to reassure toilet paper hoarders that their stash will get them through quarantine, and hopefully keep them from continuing to strip store shelves of supplies many others need desperately. So stop doing that.

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