Four Loko Releases a Spiked Seltzer With a Dangerously High Alcohol Content

It is possible they are trying to kill us all

Four Loko Releases Spiked Seltzer
All other seltzers, pack your bags
By Logan Mahan / August 15, 2019 12:52 pm

It seems every day another brand tries to stake its claim in the ever growing hard seltzer market by releasing their own, unique take on the wildly popular bubbly beverage.

Just four days ago, Natural Light announced their entrance into the market, with two flavors, Aloha Beaches and Catalina Lime Mixer, and a focus on affordability because this is still Natty Light we’re talking about. The internet was briefly abuzz with the news, but it wasn’t long before another infamous alcohol brand had us all reminiscing on our partying days and coming to the same conclusion: How am I still alive? 

Four Loko, the brand Chuck Schumer once compared to “a plague,”  has announced their own glorious take on spiked seltzer: “Four Loko Seltzer Sour With a Hint of Blue Razz,” with 14% ABV. Four Loko knocked down the door of our cute little White Claw tea party and said Fuck your 100 calorie seltzers, do you guys wanna get fucked up or not? And they’ve assured us this will be “the hardest seltzer in the universe.”

On Wednesday, the Twitter account for Four Loko dropped a picture of the blackout in a can, saying, “Hard Seltzers ran so we could fly.”

 

It didn’t take long for the news to go viral on Twitter or for me to receive a hundred text messages about it. One message nicely summed up this insane announcement: “I’ll admit I’m intrigued.” Many pointed to the 14% alcohol content plastered on the can, which will most likely be the reason for the demise of humankind.

 

You may remember when Four Loko was banned in a few states back in 2010 for getting college students hospitalized. The original formula contained a mixture of caffeine and alcohol that is typically no bueno especially when you’re a binge-drinking young adult. The company agreed to halt production and remove the caffeine, taurine and guarana that was in the original formula. Since then, I have bought and consumed my fair share of Gold Lokos, so I assume they’re safe now.

As for their new seltzers, there are still many unanswered questions: Does a sour seltzer even sound appealing? What the hell is a hint of blue razz? Is another Four Loko ban inevitable? Are we all going to die? 

I have no answers. All I know is that it looks extremely disgusting and I want one immediately.

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