15 Things All Americans Can Still Agree on, According to Stephen Colbert

Laughter, as ever, is the best medicine

November 9, 2016 9:00 am

If you’ve ever made waffles, you know how annoying it is when they stick together.

But here’s the thing … sticking together is what good waffles do.

As Americans, we’re a lot like waffles: we’ve got our shortcomings, but we’re still at our best when we stick together.

During his election special last night, Stephen Colbert took a few minutes to remind us all of the value of common ground by enumerating a list of the things that all Americans, even now, can agree on. (He also did so without having to resort to syrupy mixed analogies because he’s, you know, funny.)

Here goes:

  1. When we agree on something, we all shout “Yes!”
  2. No matter how we feel about Hillary’s emails, we all can agree work emails suck.
  3. None of us think Kit Kats should be eaten like other candy bars. Segments only.
  4. Ordering a veggie pizza never makes any sense. Plain cheese is vegetarian enough.
  5. There are too many Portlands. They need to be numbered.
  6. People who make money with YouTube pranks should walk one-way into the ocean.
  7. No one will ever remember what the War of 1812 was about. Something with Canada?
  8. Judge people not by the color of their skin, but by if they “Reply All” to mass emails.
  9. Alex Trebek will never die and if he does, it won’t count unless it’s in question form.
  10.  A low gas indicator on the dashboard isn’t a warning, it’s a challenge.
  11. Buying Cool Whip isn’t about the taste, it’s about the free tupperware.
  12. Paying extra for guacamole is always worth it.
  13. It’s nice to get a card in the mail once in awhile.
  14. The first person to get up for seconds at a wedding buffet is a goddamn hero.
  15. We should never, ever, under any circumstances, have another election like this one.

(The entire clip is worth a watch, but the list starts around the six-minute mark.)

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