The Mascot Bracket

By The Editors
March 18, 2013 9:00 am

March Madness brackets, not unlike death, taxes and fat suits, are the great equalizer.

It’s the one office activity everyone can join regardless of skill, and where dark horse teams (the hell’s a Billiken?) and breakout players (the hell’s an Olynyk?) can bust even the most meticulously crafted bracket.

What you need is a system. And no system mixes a sports fan’s dual obsessions (stats and superstitions) like mascotology.

And so, we humbly submit InsideHook Mascotology. Because if you’re going to pick your brackets by the most arbitrary method out there, you should at least be organized about it.

And because Dolores in receivables is going to win anyway.

Agree? Disagree? Get angry, then leave it in the comments

1. Color beats dog.
Dogs have difficulty seeing color. This is just science. In the West, expect the Harvard Crimson to beat the New Mexico Lobos. If by chance Syracuse plays Georgetown, the Hoyas will win, because technically Hoyas is a Latin phrase meaning “what rocks!” Or “such rocks!” Or “what, rocks?” Hell, they don’t even know.

2. Historical figures beat more modern humans. Old man strength.

In the Midwest, expect Michigan State to trounce Valparaiso then run clear to the Final Four. 

3. Americans beat Native Americans.

The historical record is unfortunately clear, even if this rule is less so, since we’re pretty sure no Sooner ever killed any Aztecs. Regardless, Oklahoma State to win. 

4. Hicks and hillbillies beat dogs.

Sad but true. The Hoosiers would defeat Butler or Gonzaga, if it comes to that. 

5. Dogs beat cats beat rodents.

Another law of nature, or at least of cartoons. Expect losses from South Dakota, Oregon, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan if they go up against any of the feline teams (Pittsburgh, Arizona, etc.), and expect the felines to lose to Butler and Gonzaga. 

6. Hurricanes can’t beat Big 10 and 12 schools because geography.

Expect big things from the Miami Hurricanes, who can run through every team in the field except Big 10 and 12 teams, because the Big 10 and 12 are landlocked. Meanwhile, the upstart Iowa State Cyclones will be the bane of the Midwest.

7. The Blue Devils lose because they are French

The nickname “Blue Devils” was given to “les Chasseurs Alpins,” a French infantry battalion. Nous nous rendons!

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