News & Opinion | September 20, 2016 9:00 am

Some Epic Human Just Fought Off a Bear With a Wine Bottle

Oh, Canada.

Memo to Leonardo DiCaprio: next time you need to fight a bear to the death, bring a wine bottle

Hey: it worked for one Canadian guy. 

Jack Ballantyne was enjoying a quiet class of merlot (not verified, but that’s the kind we imagine bear-attackers drink) near La Ronge, Saskatchewan. (Fascinating fact: “La Ronge” — which translates to “the chewed” in French — was allegedly named thusly because of the waste laid to its flora by ambitious beavers.) La Ronge is surrounded by deep Canadian wilderness. Out of that wilderness came a bear. 

Lucky for Ballantyne, he was armed — with his wine bottle. Though the bear got in the first strike, lifting Ballantyne off his feet, Ballantyne fought back, striking the bear in the nose with the bottle. It was enough to force a retreat. Ballantyne was healthy enough following the attack to walk off on his own power; he only sought medical attention after seeing blood in his urine and worrying he’d suffered internal bleeding. He’s fine now. 

Moral: never, ever go anywhere without wine. 

Or a Canadian.